holy. smokes.

byebyebye

goodbye 2013. another year closer to death. im spending this glorious evening with math problems and a pack of black and milds.

i hate labels. just make the video without the labels.

i think im the only one in the world that can truly understand and appreciate this video.

yeah. yeah. yeah.

math. you cruel beast.

NEVER in my LIFE have i been made to feel as violated and humiliated as math has made me feel. seriously. it is demented. the more i do it the better i get. but it sucks the life out of me. this is like some kind of black hole warped quick sand relationship that i have signed my life away to.

i make dua that my husband is some super math genius that does all my math for me for the rest of my life inshAllah. and actually HELPS me understand it and love it. ameen. SAVE ME LORD. ill bake him cakes and kiss him in abundance in exchange. yes i will. 

sayantan and jesse cannot even help me. im a lost cause. im jealous of them. they could take over the world EASILY if they wanted to with their brilliant minds (if they weren't so introverted). i love the introverted and socially awkward. 

mmhmm, i know thas right

visceral obesity.

everyone deserves to be on something

oh boy.

hmp comic relief

i can't decide if this advertisement is working to deconstruct societally crafted ideas of masculinity or reinforce them. im cracking up nonetheless. best picture ever.

Masculinity Defined:

These are my very subjective constructs on the idea of masculinity.  This list also coincides with my subjective constructs of the idea of femininity.  And that coincides with my idea of being a decent human being. Here we go:

1) Having a motorcycle
2) Saving a person if you see them distressed and can do something about it
3) Being honest
4) Being dependable
5) Being gregarious
6) Being witty/charming/smart/funny
7) Being physically well maintained and strong
8) Admitting your weaknesses
9) Being straight up and transparent
10) Being clear about your feelings
11) Providing for your family
12) Being passionate and loving
13) Not caring what others think
14) Being brave
15) Sticking by your significant other during hard times
16) Giving your family and friends as many hugs and kisses as they want whenever they want
17) Being good in math
18) Knowing how to repair stuff and being technologically savvy
19) Being snuggly and knowing how to tell the best bed time stories
20) Knowing how to cook and clean
21) Being forgiving
22) Speaking the truth
23) Being faithful and loyal

biostats final on monday. it's snowing. im cold. i need to make some soup.

my all time favorite.

gingerbread man

hello,

i wanted to write to you after finals were over but i simply could not resist. while i type i am fully aware that whether you choose to respond or not, how you choose to respond, and the quality of your response could all send me into a multitude of crazy spirals of reaction with implications of cognitive and emotional frenzy and dissonance. even death. even ecstasy. 

i want to see you and talk to you. i want you to show me how to play settlers of catan. i want to see what shoes you are wearing and what you have in your backpack. i want to stare into your face as your nose twitches in the beautiful way that it does. i want you to push me while i sit on your hammock. i want to burn stacks of paper with you in a metal barbecue. i want to go grocery shopping with you in our grungy mismatched pajamas. i want to walk with you as the snowflakes fall around us. i want you to eat my leftovers. i want to color in your coloring book. i want to massacre you in hangman. i want to find you in secluded parts of 24 hour computer labs that only the socially awkward yet brilliant frequent. i want to drink super sweet iced tea with you and run the risk of getting diabetes. i want to laugh with you in my car as we listen to music and i give you headaches from listening to 90s boy bands. i want to eat cheese fries with you in a hospital cafeteria. i want to tease you and hear your sometimes shrill and sometimes nasally voice. i want to find you laying on the grass in secret backyard gardens. i want to wipe the crumbs off your mouth with my napkin. i want you to be my salsa partner. i want to see you in your sweaters. i want to see me in your sweaters. i want to tell you all my weird jokes that only you get. i want to bury you in the sand and jump on top of the mound. i want to manicure your fingernails. i want to call you my best friend again. hang out with me. please.

i will be in virginia for winter break.  

and the level of this connection is very real, powerful, and undeniable for me even though we are not in close proximity of each other. is this how life goes on? 

let's go finals.

licentiously long glossy red nails

To completely trust in God is to be like a child who knows deeply that even if he does not call for the mother, the mother is totally aware of his condition and is looking after him.


[Imam al-Ghazali]

oh can't you see... you belong to me.

let me just say. i love being bald.

no regrets, but maybe i should have done this in the summer instead of the winter.

shame on you, my impulsive nature!

yap!

bald

i just had the sudden impulse to shave all my head hair off. can i do this? i want to start from scratch.

yes folks. this is what you call a soul mate.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ruLUOWfSFgM&list=UUXIchKkm39ya8hj1YjzYxCg

there is nothing like a beautiful biostats tutor to make you feel all warm and buttery and gooey inside. sighsighsigh!

healthcare disparities - my jam

Eid Mubarak

people are NOT mind readers. grab them! tell them how much you love them and kiss them in abundance.

Nicholas Christakis

hug me hug me kiss me kiss me

yeah so i thought i would quickly give some updates on gradschool.

it is like crazy hectic. there is zero time to do anything else other than just this. it is completely different from undergrad. im usually reading for reproductive health or health management and policy or stressing over labs for biostats. i told selam the other day that i had to go because i 'have to look over some data'... and then we both burst out laughing at how ridiculous that sounded. what the heck is this mess. im no longer cool.

and then... it's increasingly weird because im trying to balance myself in two different departments: health behavior and health education AND health management and policy.  both of the departments are POLAR opposites.  it is exhaustive. one is super laid back, INSANELY laid back and just like. yeah laid back. and the other is SUPER fast paced, hyper, and intense. it is loads of reading, loads of staying on your toes and networking and just being ridiculous. i feel like hbhe are the hippies of the school and hmp are the donald trump types.

i will end this post at that because im sure the next paragraph will contain a plethora of offensive broad generalizations.

i need sleep. i will be sucking my thumb tonight and crying myself to sleep. where is afie?

when i got cut up, it healed into a keloid called loner

so i was trying to order ONE ticket to see the shanghai ballet and treat myself. and stupid groupon gave me two tickets instead. what an annoyance, now i have to take someone else.

i want to be someone's fan but ain't noboday to be a fan of.

another eid has passed. and im sitting here filling out an excel spreadsheet mapping out finances. all i need now is a bowl of raisin bran, chronic back pain, and a mini-van. oh wait, i already have those things. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. oh the joys of growing aged. presumably you can do whatever you want. but really you can't. shackle me down shackle me down shackle me down.

okay so... i thought i would write about some grumps and vents and frustrations. firstly, im starting gradschool. and all that it entails. loans. moving. new people. assignments. group projects. blah blah blah. and since im in a cranky and pessimistic mood im like yuck leave me alone. i dont want loans or new people or more work. leave me alone.

and this is also my bros' last year of fellowship. meaning they will be starting up real jobs after june. and i don't think they are interested in staying on in michigan at all. and im like wait hold up. im being left in michigan?! seriously. being here alone for 2-3 years is like what on earth. i mean i don't have any friends up here... don't know anyone and i only applied to grad school up here to be close to them... but it turned out that the program is excellent and exactly what i was looking for Alhumdulilah. i guess i should be making shukr, right?

they tell me that no matter where they are i can come whenever i want and just get a plane ticket, but honestly it is hard being alone at this point and i have no desire for it whatsoever. im not made for that kind of lifestyle. i have to be honest with myself. and then... i also think if i were to die any second... i would rather spend my life with those i love... not in anticipation of love or wanting to be with those i love.. or thinking oh yes in a few years ill be with those i love. no, that is not how i want to spend my life. so at the end of the day it is not the school or the program or prestige or anything like that, that matters for me. i don't want to spend my life like that... and keep putting things off that are at the crux of what i value in existence. i want to be WITH what and who i love. i think my family thinks im some kind of superman, and im not. im really not. im at the end of my rope.  Allah help me. please and THANK YOU.

you know... i really do not think this is life. it's like getting by but not LIVING. a person is just working or making money or studying, but not LIVING actively. they are just occupying themselves without meaning or true fulfillment. it is the most depleting thing ever. i mean why do this work at all? what is it for? why wake up every morning to just scrape by? im trying to make sense of this... like what is this false sense of striving for?

like im seriously making dua for whatever nourishment i need to be sent to me. cause i don't even know what that is.

calligraphy

mymymy

going to make dua during tahajjud that my future husband can a capella to this - in a tasteful manner and/or at least try. please and thank you Allah :)

don't ever apologize for how you feel. cause baby, that's like apologizing for being real.

"Oh Allah, keep me alive until life is good for me and give me death when that is the better for me" 

[Bukhari, Muslim]

the BEST thing in my life. Alhumdulilah rabil alameen :)

Bismillah

“It’s a terrible thing, I think, in life to wait until you’re ready. I have this feeling now that actually no one is ever ready to do anything. There is almost no such thing as ready. There is only now. And you may as well do it now. Generally speaking, now is as good a time as any.”

[Hugh Laurie]

my Love, you are the reason i can die happy. Alhumdulilah rabil alameen.

hey mister dj, keep playing that song for me.

alright so im not really sure how descriptive to be in these bloggings of mine. crazy stuff has happened recently. im so exhausted really. like so exhausted i cannot even write.  so numb i cannot even feel. just walking around in the heat really.  i had been doing istikhara about staying or leaving earlier than august. i think i have made my decision Alhumdulilah. but basically this experience has taught me to trust my instincts. i cannot and will not ever deny my instincts again, because truthfully they are there for a reason. all too often in an effort to preserve my jovial and easy going nature i have just minded my own business and chose to ignore certain behaviors, but really that is not wise. baby girl... trust. your. instincts. they. are. there. for. a. reason. enough.

and yeah. i have to say THANK GOD. Alhumdulilah rabil alameen for salaha. THANK YOU ALLAH FOR SALAHA. may Allah bless and protect and nourish our love and friendship for the rest of this existence and in the akhira.

okay so.. mid june to end of june will be in pakistan for feez and soha's wedding stuffz. more heat. more fun. my cool uncle who is a clothing designer in karachi said he has a contact who wants me to design the calligraphy for a sufi shrine there... and he is going to take me to meet some folks there for the project. sigh. let's see how this goes. i was like 'i have my ijaza Alhumdulilah but i am not some expert you know!' and my mamoo being a fellow artist - only way more developed in the field with MANY clients and MANY years of experience was like 'yeah but you just have to be like I KNOW EVERYTHING!' HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. oh GOD. and i know like a few calligraphy masters in pakistan that would be way more qualified for this project than me. ya Allah. help us all. let's see where this goes.

anyways... back to america from there inshAllah. i am so looking forward to starting things up with the cville masjid. sigh sigh sigh. i love this. im going to be like some kind of 'muslim' michelangelo it seems. only hotter and cooler. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA yeah right! he wishes he was nearly as fly as me! :P

okay so... ramadan it seems will be in the states... and this is super cool, cause now i will have soha to help me with the kalemisi part of the cville project. oh yesssss Alhumdulilah. ill get her boncuk iğneler aplenty. she better comply :)

oh gosh... and then there is grad school. haaaaaaaahahaha. bismillah. here we go. here we go. here we go.

tears in your eyes

"I have tested all manner of pleasures, and known every

variety of joy; and I have found that neither intimacy with

princes, nor wealth acquired, nor finding after lacking, nor

returning after absence, nor security after fear and repose in

a safe refuge - none of these things so powerfully affects the

soul as the union with the beloved... The fresh springing of

herbs after the rains, the glitter of flowers when the night

clouds have rolled away in the hushed hour between dawn

and sunrise, the splashing of waters as they run through the

stalks of golden blossoms, the exquisite beauty of white

castles encompassed by verdant meadows - not lovelier is any

of these than union with the well-beloved... Truly that is a

miracle of wonder surpassing the tongues of the eloquent,

and far beyond the range of the most cunning speech to

describe; the mind reels before it, and the intellect stands

abashed." 

- Ibn Hazm d.1064

a delicious night.

so i have nothing else to write. let me think for a minute. oh yes.. so i planned a couple trips with salaha. going to antalya again to enjoy the beach oh yesss... and i got an insane deal on a 200 lira bikini for 29 lira. it is too cute, black and white and beige. very spicy. i also, got my ijaza ceremony outfit - has been an absolute chore... i was looking all over asia and europe for something and couldn't decide.... yall know im cok titiz. and then... i also FINALLY booked a trip to konya. like im seriously doing all the touristy stuff now, after 3 years. i went into aya sophia for the first time the other day even though i pass by there for class all the time. still have to go to topkapi. it is lale zaman right now in istanbul, so planning on checking out emirgan tomorrow before it is too late. zeliha told me there is a tasty buffet there which i fully intend to check out... and it will probably hold more importance for me than the lalez... :)

i guess all in all... im looking forward to starting up grad school and being back in america. like i just cannot wait. my heart is yearning for america. i think i have had my fill of living overseas for awhile. i mean traveling yes i enjoy... will do a lot of it inshAllah. but yeah, overseas to live. enough. im ready for familiarity, stability, and constancy back home inshAllah. that is the nourishment that my soul is craving right now. also, i have a strange feeling i might become famous at some point. so i have to make all my friends before that happens :)

oh my GOD. oh yes. i also had to say i have to go to pakistan in june for motu's rukhsati and valima stuff. pakistan. in. the. summer. load. shedding. yikes. i imagine i will be fainted laying on the floor in a puddle of my own sweat for the first couple of days. Allah help me.

so yeah. im out of things to say. Alhumdulilah for everything. and here is a picture of the cool purple turkish tea cup my apartment mates got me. bless yall hulya and zeliha.

cesur.

so been mia recently after saying i would write more frequently. i actually have some cool news Alhumdulilah. i have been granted ijaza :) feels kinda surreal.. and like... nothing has changed at the same time too. hocam's hoca approved it kinda beginning of last month.. so i was preparing my piece for the end of april ceremony. working on the piece has been stressful. it wasn't what i imagined at all. i thought it would be less stressful after the fact, but it was not the case at all and every time i wrote, the quality was not what i expected. i wrote probably a total of 12-15 drafts and hocam and hasan hoca ended up picking a draft from earlier on. im just glad Alhumdulilah that it is done... now is kinda relaxing cause i can work on a hilye i serif at my pace and start some celi diwani and taliq script. yesssssss Alhumdulilah. the time pressure is no longer there and i know i have accomplished what i needed to while here Alhumdulilah and i make shukr there is time to learn more! oh yes Alhumdulilah.

i so wish my dad could come for my ijaza ceremony... it brings me to tears.. no one in my family will be there. and i think how happy my dad would be to be there.... i make the niyat that whatever i write, all of that hasanaath goes to my dad inshAllah.

i seriously have killed myself during this entire process. like i dont know exactly what i have done to my mind, my heart, my soul. i think i have solidified some kind of life long displacement or unhinging within myself by partaking in this entire process. but i think i learned so much about my essence at the same time. i got through layers of the self and recognized such vulnerabilities and pain and insecurities within myself. i really felt the humanity in myself. and i still do taste it all the time. i think calligraphy has been a way for me to understand so much about myself. i think it will continue to work in that way.

i look forward to whatever the future holds for me inshAllah. may Allah be gentle and generous and merciful and forgiving and loving and protecting with me always. Allah, I love you.

don't bury me before i have actually died. thank you kindly.

get it boy!

sigh. to quote the brilliant asma hamid who will always hold a special place in my heart (and whose presence somewhat allows me to feel like i can identify with a minuscule crumb of society again):

The Quran maintains that religion to God is islam, but in the Arabic language islam is an action before it became a noun. An action that entails submission to Truth, Justice, Love and God. God is the object of worship of all religious traditions and eternal life is given only by Him. Therefore, many religious traditions CAN lead to eternal life because eternal life is achieved by souls and not religious dogma alone. 

astagfirullah adheem. haraam.

balak corbasi

so today... im making some fish soup. yum. it's rainy and what not outside... so im fine with staying in and working today... don't feel like trucking to isam... will probably go tomorrow. and gotta convert a bunch of files to print out as well.

one month is up since i have returned. that means approximately around 5 more months left. im seriously killing myself with whatever i have been doing these last few years. we think traveling is fun and exciting... and yes, i mean, it is. but like... it has killed me emotionally and physically. and i have no strength to speak anything other than english these days. like NONE whatsoever. america. i welcome you baby, with opened arms.

so... i always do these weird things in my head to mark progress. i got a bottle of solgar vitamins with 60 pills in it. not sure why solgar is so big here in all the eczaneler... but i told myself, by the time you finish this bottle girl, you will get your ijaza inshAllah. im such a nut. inshAllah i will get it by then. forget my july goal... i wanna learn some taliq script while im here too. i think my sulus is in good shape.. just seriously gotta get the nesih in order. it is insanely intricate. like... it has become the bane of my existence.. because there are such tiny details and flicks of the pen and curvatures... i think i need to get a magnifying glass... and seriously.. the way the ink carries with the java qalam. the paper.. it all effects the writing and the quality. too much water... not enough gum arabic.. the ink will not be suitable for writing nesih... and then the paper could be a thick kuse which is not suitable for the script... so it is better to work from an ince kuse i think. but then the paper could absorb the ink weirdly. im driving myself crazy here. but i think i REALLY need to go into over drive with the nesih.

yesterday's corrections... made me so sad. like the assignments got TORE UP. i even cried after maghrib. i mean, aferins don't make me happy either... haaaaaaaaaahahahaha. im really a nut. ya Allah. i think i have become my greatest competitor. there is a south african student here whose nesih i admire.. that say they are making dua for my ijaza inshAllah, very kind. they also offer encouraging words but they also said that no matter what they say i will not believe their words... and i guess that is true. i only believe what is in my own mind - egoist. and there is a chinese student here... who is submitting an ircica competition piece, i think today is the deadline for submissions... and they worked on drafts for months. they don't even know arabic. and last mintute ink smudged on the piece. they called hocam up in the middle of the night in a panic  and today... when they were showing what happened they started crying. and i was like. man, we are really putting our heart and soul into our work. this is not just hat. this is like.. pieces of us that go into our efforts. no wonder i feel exhausted after working all day.

sigh yeah. okay so also i have been noticing... that i have a dull constant heart pain that just remains. and sometimes it intensifies. and i don't think it is a physical ailment... but something emotional... really whatever i am doing to myself through this lone ranger lifestyle is killing me. HAHAHAHAHAHA. this is so unnatural. ya Allah... and now my roomies are going to the istanbul modern for some documentary. what on EARTH. and i cannot go cause of corrections tomorrow. you know what. whatever. aisha. you can do this. inshAllah you will get that ijaza by the time those solgars finish. YES.

oh... but side note... istanbul modern had an exhibit not too long ago with cadavers that were dressed and posing in live action poses. creepy huh? real life dead bodies galore. i didn't go to the exhibit regretfully and only heard about it. but i plan on checking the place out when time permits. i really think ill go out more when the weather gets nice. hahahahaha... now roomie doesn't wanna go out cause its cold and possibly raining. oh LORD. gotta love those commutes to the european side :)

man, and now zeliha is offering to bring me burger king chicken nuggets to cheer me up. ya Allah, what an angelllllllllllll. but i cannot turn into a lard roll with bikini season around the corner. oh yeahhh man.

okay... time to do asr... chomp on this balak corbasi... and get back to the nesih. pray for my soul. thanks yall.

i can't help myself. sugar pie honey bun.

you know. up until now. i always thought other people were the ones who were leaving me. but now i think i am the one leaving them.

you make me wanna be the one

i want to say that i adore spray paint. i should become a graffiti artist. last year i started trying to make my own tag. and then i was going to plaster it all over the walls on the staircase leading to the harem iskele in cicekci. but then fatima left for australia and she was supposed to be the look out for the zabita. so yeah. now i cannot take my chances :)

spray paint also smells really good. 

oh my gosh, also i realized what helps me to de-stress! i have tried everything literally. meditation, yoga, working out, singing, dancing, blah blah blah. right. and i realized SOCIALIZING and LAUGHING like a fool is the only thing that works at this point. so when i put myself in brooding artist mode and grumble and fester away... this COULD help my art and progress.... but ultimately, no. 

man, it is almost the end of february... and other roomie from neatherlands, zeliha... comes back today inshAllah... but yeah... end of february.. leaving again beginning of august, ya Allah... so i HAVE to work away... i know the time is going to melt away. and i need to make a list of all the places i have been meaning to visit in istanbul that i have been putting off shamelessly after 2.5 years of being here... like aya sophia and topkapi palace... HAHAHAHAHAH. and then of course sakip sabanci muzesi and the istanbul modern... gotta go there... and suleymania and shakireen cami. and YES! KONYA! when things warm up inshAllah... im gonna make salaha go with me for a few days. yes... that is most important :) and i musttttt totally take advantage of the beaches and proximity to water here. those are the best. and then they have womens' beaches here so i can wear bikinis and lay out in the sun like a lush and tan my otherwise pale and pasty skin to a nice shade of butter cream frosting ;) oh istanbul. you are too good to me, baby. Alhumdulilah rabil alameen :)

but you know... i love eyup so much. i could go there every single day. and i am so happy i will get to spend ramadan here inshAllah. so i can go for taraweeh and such there... and then taraweeh at the blue mosque! yes! 

okay, im gonna calm myself down... drink some tea... munch of some peanuts... and get cracking on assignments. MAKE DUA FOR MY IJAZA EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and you know i have to include some kind of shout out to chotu aka phuppo ka dil in this post:

I LOVE YOU MY BEAUTIFUL ASIYAH BABY LOVE SQUISHOO. I AM SHOUTING THIS FROM THE HIGHEST MOUNTAIN TOPS UNTIL MY VOICE LEAVES ME!!!!!!!!!!!

thank you

Love. The reason I dislike that word is that it means too much for me, far more than you can understand.

-Tolstoy

i never picked you.

so i decided it might be good to blog a bit more these days. kinda vocalize what im thinking. i started thinking that i do not want to be a sufi. and that you know, i just do not want to be one. but then i think, it is not really something i ever picked. it just found me. but i still do not want to be one. and i never would even call myself one.

i am starting to see things a bit differently. sufism in general a bit differently. atleast my limited understanding of such a lifestyle. and believe me, im the first to admit my exorbitant ignorance at every level. i have met many people who ascribe to such a lifestyle, and in many ways i see it as a reactionary response - a means to dealing or coping with difficulties and challenges... to renounce worldly things. to eliminate the ego and the self, etc etc... all that good stuff (and believe me, this is definitely SOMETHING to experience... in whatever way you are taken on that road... to experience that is something. ya Allah)

okay but what i mean by sufism being a reactionary response... and people adopting such a lifestyle... it is like a person could have dealt with something utterly shattering in their life... the loss of a loved one, witnessing something miraculous, a near death experience, extreme degradation, a hard lifestyle, losing all of ones material security, being attacked, being abused, becoming suicidal, divorce, a break-up, getting fired, etc etc. and then as a means of coping a person chooses to elevate themselves beyond these things which they have linked to 'worldly associations' - duniya. and by transcending attachment to these things.. and learning to live without them, they are perhaps convincing themselves that they are partaking in sufism. how is this then not a reactionary response? okay, but like.. i know you are going to say that so what if it comes as a reactionary response, it is still sufism. honestly, i don't know where this post is going.. or really what im trying to say as i have not developed my own thoughts further.

but i think what im trying to say is that... sufism seems to be a coping mechanism for such challenges. it is not like, a solution. everyone seems to have coping mechanisms... ways to comfort the self and deal with issues of the self. some people drink and do drugs... or gamble... or sleep... or EAT... or shop. you get the point.

in sufism however.. there is a sense of detachment... and like im not sure how to say it... indifference? a kinda floating around. a disengagement. it is a numbing of the SELF. atleast this is what i think. it is making the self a non active participant in one's life almost. and a life is a life given to a person from their Creator. and by such detachment in a way... it is not appreciating the blessing of that life and living it to the fullest. to even sin and feel the pain of that and the sweetness of repetence... that emotion can be numbed. or to sin or even enjoy it. or to do something cool and enjoy it... that would be numbed in every sense. or to LOVE or to DANCE or to CRY... all of that can be numbed and it becomes surreal almost. i am not sure how to describe it. it is like a non emotion, where an emotion or thing should be felt and would be for an active participant in one's own life.

im thinking it is important to embrace the HUMANITY in one's own being. good, bad, hurtful, yucky, marvelous, funny, embarassing, awkward, graceful. it is important to be TRUE to one's self. no matter what. not live in a sense of denial of what a person needs and wants. it is important to be upfront, straight forward, and honest, ESPECIALLY WITH THE SELF. yeah, and i think i will end this post.

and rumi, you will forever be my main man, many shout outs to you:

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

plan B

i don't wanna work anymore. i just wanna lay in a hammock all day and eat icecream for the rest of my life. who needs a roth ira when you can get this bad boy: 

the way to be foxy is to NOT look like a teddy bear.

alright then. i have been putting off writing this post. i am back in istanbul (got here 2 days ago). only this time is different. i am not thrilled. i can't say i really even want to be here. i just came back from michigan and it was the MOST heart wrenching thing to leave chotu. like indescribable pain. i realized i MUST block her out if i am going to accomplish anything here. that is really the only way. this trip is going to be a long haul im thinking - until august - before grad school fall 2013 starts up inshAllah.

so i stayed in the states quite a LONG time. i learned so much while back there, saw so many things that i needed to see, experienced quite a bit that 'solidified' a lot of things for me. but i dreaded coming back here, i am not sure why. it is really difficult being a foreign student here. it is really isolating because i am not part of a structured program of study. it is kinda do it yourself, find your own way, work at your own pace. then there are substantial language barriers (but Alhumdulilah my turkish held up SUPER well during my 8 month stay in the states... i was surprised how much i retained... i guess survival mode kicks in?) and then i mean, to be quite frank it is hard being a young lady alone in a foreign country. it is down right hard. you have to be extra careful. for the most part i can blend in with the turks, but the second i open my mouth it is like obvious im a foreigner - particularly an american. and then all the charms associated with that come along - people suddenly taking a pronounced interest in you... and you are like errr... no thanks, leave me alone. so for the most part i try to keep to myself for that very reason.

i do enjoy my studies so much. i think in many ways it keeps me sane and then delving too much into it makes me crazy so i have to remember to take breaks and breathe. obsession is dangerous :) extremes are dangerous :) i am dangerous, baby :) HAHAHAHAHAH.

okay but yeah. i am also quite social, right? so to be isolated and restricted and guarded in a sense... is like against my very nature. it is quite draining and depleting. but it has to be this way for NOW. i have managed to make some cool friends through the yurt i used to live in. hoot hoot for salacak pansiyonu in the blessed cicekci (where i had an awesome view of the golden horn and would eat my breakfast in ecstasy . and then go on the terrace to do dhikr every night and stare on at europe while sitting in asia). and then i made a super awesome friend through the dilmer course i took way back... im realizing she particularly was a gift at the perfect time in my life. a precious gift Alhumdulilah. so i guess it is enough to keep me sane but not too social.  yeah but now... i live in an awesome place called kuzguncuk. awesome apartment with a fancy shmancy shower. right now the two other girls i live with aren't here because of winter break but they should be back soon inshAllah. im sorta enjoying my down time and having the place to myself. i should blast some music and shamelessly hop around while i have the chance, right? get some afyon up in here, son! hahahahaahahah THANK GOD most of yall don't understand turkish.

okay so yeah, enough shenanigans... got my first set of corrections in uskudar tomorrow since i been back and gotta get assignments into shape. im thinking 2 lines of sulus and maybe a surah in nesih will be a good start. let's keep making dua for my ijaza inshAllah. i have until august. Bismillah. Allah help me.

over and out.

common sense for the gazillionth time. jesus.

and now i am off to kinkos to intrusively spy on whatever everyone else is copying and faxing.