a delicious night.

so i have nothing else to write. let me think for a minute. oh yes.. so i planned a couple trips with salaha. going to antalya again to enjoy the beach oh yesss... and i got an insane deal on a 200 lira bikini for 29 lira. it is too cute, black and white and beige. very spicy. i also, got my ijaza ceremony outfit - has been an absolute chore... i was looking all over asia and europe for something and couldn't decide.... yall know im cok titiz. and then... i also FINALLY booked a trip to konya. like im seriously doing all the touristy stuff now, after 3 years. i went into aya sophia for the first time the other day even though i pass by there for class all the time. still have to go to topkapi. it is lale zaman right now in istanbul, so planning on checking out emirgan tomorrow before it is too late. zeliha told me there is a tasty buffet there which i fully intend to check out... and it will probably hold more importance for me than the lalez... :)

i guess all in all... im looking forward to starting up grad school and being back in america. like i just cannot wait. my heart is yearning for america. i think i have had my fill of living overseas for awhile. i mean traveling yes i enjoy... will do a lot of it inshAllah. but yeah, overseas to live. enough. im ready for familiarity, stability, and constancy back home inshAllah. that is the nourishment that my soul is craving right now. also, i have a strange feeling i might become famous at some point. so i have to make all my friends before that happens :)

oh my GOD. oh yes. i also had to say i have to go to pakistan in june for motu's rukhsati and valima stuff. pakistan. in. the. summer. load. shedding. yikes. i imagine i will be fainted laying on the floor in a puddle of my own sweat for the first couple of days. Allah help me.

so yeah. im out of things to say. Alhumdulilah for everything. and here is a picture of the cool purple turkish tea cup my apartment mates got me. bless yall hulya and zeliha.

cesur.

so been mia recently after saying i would write more frequently. i actually have some cool news Alhumdulilah. i have been granted ijaza :) feels kinda surreal.. and like... nothing has changed at the same time too. hocam's hoca approved it kinda beginning of last month.. so i was preparing my piece for the end of april ceremony. working on the piece has been stressful. it wasn't what i imagined at all. i thought it would be less stressful after the fact, but it was not the case at all and every time i wrote, the quality was not what i expected. i wrote probably a total of 12-15 drafts and hocam and hasan hoca ended up picking a draft from earlier on. im just glad Alhumdulilah that it is done... now is kinda relaxing cause i can work on a hilye i serif at my pace and start some celi diwani and taliq script. yesssssss Alhumdulilah. the time pressure is no longer there and i know i have accomplished what i needed to while here Alhumdulilah and i make shukr there is time to learn more! oh yes Alhumdulilah.

i so wish my dad could come for my ijaza ceremony... it brings me to tears.. no one in my family will be there. and i think how happy my dad would be to be there.... i make the niyat that whatever i write, all of that hasanaath goes to my dad inshAllah.

i seriously have killed myself during this entire process. like i dont know exactly what i have done to my mind, my heart, my soul. i think i have solidified some kind of life long displacement or unhinging within myself by partaking in this entire process. but i think i learned so much about my essence at the same time. i got through layers of the self and recognized such vulnerabilities and pain and insecurities within myself. i really felt the humanity in myself. and i still do taste it all the time. i think calligraphy has been a way for me to understand so much about myself. i think it will continue to work in that way.

i look forward to whatever the future holds for me inshAllah. may Allah be gentle and generous and merciful and forgiving and loving and protecting with me always. Allah, I love you.

don't bury me before i have actually died. thank you kindly.