i hate personal statements.
Its almost 4 in the morning...i have writer's block and indigestion from a slice of pizza i just ate =(
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Thursday, October 9, 2008
go on with your bad self!
I feel like I am undergoing the biggest change of my short-lived existence. It is weird because I actually know that this is a pivotal time - whereas looking back, similar defining moments were left unrealized in that instant.
I came back up to Michigan to get my stuff (and ‘roll out’ as Ludacris would say).
Thursday, July 31, 2008
desperate times call for disparate measures
The other day I made a HORRENDOUS mistake on a calligraphy piece I had been working on every day for about two weeks that was 3/4ths done. It was a two inch wide careless blunder that savagely usurped the entire theme of the 12 x 24.5 work with its misplaced and awkward existence. In a panic and flurry I called up a super cool artist that I have the luxury and pleasure of calling a friend. She suggested a multitude of fixes, none of which I had the skills to undertake - and quite honestly I am not that audacious.
While being on the phone with her (my mind began to wander, given my poor phone etiquette and ADDish tendencies) I realized that I could take advantage of the situation and create something daring and abstract! Forget what was mapped out and let loose Aisha! This was certainly uncharted territory for me. One thing that has always bothered me about my artwork (EVEN AT A YOUNG AGE I RECOGNIZED THIS DEFICIENCY) is that I am always too precise, too much of a perfectionist to try something new or let go and experiment. Every line must be exactly where it should be, every intricate detail must add to the cohesion of the piece, and every object has to mirror the mental image I envisioned. But perfection is a very subjective term in this day and age, at least when applied to something man-made.
So I decided to go for something completely different, restructure the entire piece and just let it go where IT wants to go. Ya Allah! I was so happy with the direction it was headed. It was so unpredicted, so bold yet cohesive in such an ethereal sense! I started to think that there is no such thing as a mistake, that this ‘blunder’ was TRULY a blessing in disguise and should be recognized as such. SubhanAllah!!!
I don’t know why I am sharing this frankly, I am sure there is some point I am coming too (that we both will realize) once my regressive actions are explained in their entirety. Now after working on the piece more, I started plotting and planning again; mapping out and bending its delicate arm into strict intricacy and organized amalgamation. It was ruined :( I look at it now and it is ruined. Of course there is balance, depth, good proportions, blah blah blah. Perhaps some might even consider it art nouveau-esque. There is even a pronounced creative value in the traditional sense. But what was happening before is lost in the literalism of every stroke and calculation!
And the moral of the story is, kids… maybe it is best to not get attached to the plans we have made for ourselves and how we intended something to work out. Of course, start out by mapping things out and having a general sense of direction with goals, but be opened to change, and recognize that change for all the unexpected beauty it brings. Perhaps denying that beauty and unnaturally molding it back into what you think it should have been like originally will rear an ugly head (comparatively LOL).
This post makes me think of a cool quote :)
“Perhaps God is keeping in store for you something better than you yourself chose”
(from Naguib Mahfouz’s The Journey of Ibn Fattouma)
Yeah, and I thought it would be wak to let July fly by without putting up some kind of a post.
Sunday, June 29, 2008
The Move
Bismillah Arahman Arahmeem!
I guess its time to pull the anchor back up and set sail once again...
Alhumdulilah rabil alameen.
This time I am not going to use my oars to fight the tide and foolishly cling to the familiar waters that are bound to gush through my grip. Instead I welcome the rushed breeze that will carry me to new lands, experiences, and peoples.
hahahaha, I love being dramatic.
Yeah so, just to fill everyone in (and I apologize for the rushed posting) we just got back from Paki a few days ago and are now moving to Michigan... My sister-in-law is with us and she is really cool mashAllah :)
I was really concerned about the move not too long ago... I have lived in the same place my entire life... and it is so easy to attach yourself to the illusion of belonging in an earthly dwelling. After every change or every school associated pseudo-move I would always be like 'Man, when is this going to be over and when can I go back my normal life?' And then silly me realized that this is my life and these changes will comprise the rest of my life. The concept of change is what I should familiarize myself with and be opened to. And strangely enough, I have found that each change has introduced something fulfilling, enriching, and beautiful into my existence... whether I have the capacity to realize it at the time or not.
Here we go, one more time!
I guess its time to pull the anchor back up and set sail once again...
Alhumdulilah rabil alameen.
This time I am not going to use my oars to fight the tide and foolishly cling to the familiar waters that are bound to gush through my grip. Instead I welcome the rushed breeze that will carry me to new lands, experiences, and peoples.
hahahaha, I love being dramatic.
Yeah so, just to fill everyone in (and I apologize for the rushed posting) we just got back from Paki a few days ago and are now moving to Michigan... My sister-in-law is with us and she is really cool mashAllah :)
I was really concerned about the move not too long ago... I have lived in the same place my entire life... and it is so easy to attach yourself to the illusion of belonging in an earthly dwelling. After every change or every school associated pseudo-move I would always be like 'Man, when is this going to be over and when can I go back my normal life?' And then silly me realized that this is my life and these changes will comprise the rest of my life. The concept of change is what I should familiarize myself with and be opened to. And strangely enough, I have found that each change has introduced something fulfilling, enriching, and beautiful into my existence... whether I have the capacity to realize it at the time or not.
Here we go, one more time!
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Discrimination
aisha, the post you made a few dates back makes me so sad. people are such jerks! and that was DEFINITE descrimination. too bad it's difficult to prove in court. it's shocking that that came from another "muslim" as well. good luck finding a job position! i'm so sorry that happened to you.
you know, even for me here in montréal, it was very difficult for me to get a job as an american.
first off, in this society, if you don't speak french and english it's almost impossible. i speak both luckily BUT the dialect they speak here is wayyyy different than what i learned in school (aka their french here is really bizarre and not standard international, aka no foreigner likes their "french"). secondly, if you don't already have connections, it's also pretty difficult to advance.
people usually don't like foreigners here and the minute i open my mouth they treat me differently.
even something as simple as going to the store or the bank can be very frustrating depending on who the clerk is. if you start speaking in english, they look at you with disgust as if you're trying to impose your language on them. but if you start out in french, the moment they hear you have an accent, they switch into english with an annoyed look on their face as if they want to prove they are superior to you and are bilingual and don't want to waste their time on someone with an accent.
RIDICULOUS!!!! it's so frustrating. And it's not even just the language thing. people literally say things like "go back to your own country" and are generally just rude and obnoxious..like bumping into you on the street w/out saying excuse me, never saying thank you for anything, basically just being all around obnoxious. that's not to say that SOME people aren't nice here but honestly, the majority of nice people i have met have all been immigrants.
luckily i have finally just come to terms with the fact that i don't care about anyone's opinion here or their huge obnoxious snotty attitudes. it took me a long time to finally just look past it and stop being self conscious.
i just speak in french to people here in stores, etc now and if they don't like the fact that i'm foreign, too bad! i act more confident when speaking now and people rarely switch into english with me, and if they ever do, i just continue in french to subtly point out that they're being rude speaking to me in another language when i clearly started talking to them in french.
of course, it depends on the circumstance...like if the person switches into english just to be polite or because they by some small chance happen to speak english better than french, then i have no problem speaking english w/ them...but like 95% of the time, they switch into the language with this haughty look on their face, so i have learned to just give them their snottiness right back to them on a nice silver platter and keep speaking french to them even after they rudely switch into (sometimes bad) english. lol whatever that means...i just wanted to use the words silver platter.
anyway, the point of this post is not to say that i can even imagine 1/2 of the descrimination hijabis face in north america since i do not wear hijab daily and that is definitely much more of a visual red flag attracting discrimination than just having an accent...but i just wanted to write this post basically just to relate on a smaller scale and to let people know they're not alone :).
like aisha was saying, i also think of my witty come backs too late since at first i'm always just shocked by people's rudeness...but now i've finally started to conjure up responses in my head (with the help of some people's advice) that help me respond on the spot.
for example, if someone asks you something rude like
"why are you wearing that?"
or "i'm Muslim too but I don't wear the Islamic head thing" (or whatever that dumb girl said to you, aisha)
or "hey, come here i want to talk to you (possible remark from sleezy guy)"...
a great response is a cold stare followed by "why?" or "why do you want to know?" or "why do you say that?"
it sends the "it's none of your business" message as clearly as a nice slap in the face, but ALSO at the same time it puts the other person on the spot and makes THEM a little nervous b/c then they have to answer a question instead of you. And really, there's no good explanation for their rude behavior so they have nothing to say and usually looked a little shocked and embarrassed. so you: +1 (cha-chiiing [fighting bell sound effect]), them: 0!
another great response is just the nice, simple cold hard stare in the eyes. People who make rude remarks to you usually don't expect you to be bold enough to look them in the eyes, so you can kind of turn the tables and make THEM shy.
finally, something I have found that works a lot is the guilting-them-out-with-politeness-but-not-really
method. It works somewhat like this:
stupid racist girl: "you know i'm Muslim too blah blah but I don't wear the head thing, blah.."
you: "sometimes I go to interviews where the person is really ignorant, but it's so nice to know that your company's employees are so open-minded and intelligent. thanks for giving me a good representation"
and then just turning around and walking away. OHHH! burrrrrrrrrnnnnnnnn!
hahaha ok maybe all of those responses are lame but maybe they COULD work at some point at some time in the future.
good luck again finding a job and take care everyone. salaams :)
-cathy
you know, even for me here in montréal, it was very difficult for me to get a job as an american.
first off, in this society, if you don't speak french and english it's almost impossible. i speak both luckily BUT the dialect they speak here is wayyyy different than what i learned in school (aka their french here is really bizarre and not standard international, aka no foreigner likes their "french"). secondly, if you don't already have connections, it's also pretty difficult to advance.
people usually don't like foreigners here and the minute i open my mouth they treat me differently.
even something as simple as going to the store or the bank can be very frustrating depending on who the clerk is. if you start speaking in english, they look at you with disgust as if you're trying to impose your language on them. but if you start out in french, the moment they hear you have an accent, they switch into english with an annoyed look on their face as if they want to prove they are superior to you and are bilingual and don't want to waste their time on someone with an accent.
RIDICULOUS!!!! it's so frustrating. And it's not even just the language thing. people literally say things like "go back to your own country" and are generally just rude and obnoxious..like bumping into you on the street w/out saying excuse me, never saying thank you for anything, basically just being all around obnoxious. that's not to say that SOME people aren't nice here but honestly, the majority of nice people i have met have all been immigrants.
luckily i have finally just come to terms with the fact that i don't care about anyone's opinion here or their huge obnoxious snotty attitudes. it took me a long time to finally just look past it and stop being self conscious.
i just speak in french to people here in stores, etc now and if they don't like the fact that i'm foreign, too bad! i act more confident when speaking now and people rarely switch into english with me, and if they ever do, i just continue in french to subtly point out that they're being rude speaking to me in another language when i clearly started talking to them in french.
of course, it depends on the circumstance...like if the person switches into english just to be polite or because they by some small chance happen to speak english better than french, then i have no problem speaking english w/ them...but like 95% of the time, they switch into the language with this haughty look on their face, so i have learned to just give them their snottiness right back to them on a nice silver platter and keep speaking french to them even after they rudely switch into (sometimes bad) english. lol whatever that means...i just wanted to use the words silver platter.
anyway, the point of this post is not to say that i can even imagine 1/2 of the descrimination hijabis face in north america since i do not wear hijab daily and that is definitely much more of a visual red flag attracting discrimination than just having an accent...but i just wanted to write this post basically just to relate on a smaller scale and to let people know they're not alone :).
like aisha was saying, i also think of my witty come backs too late since at first i'm always just shocked by people's rudeness...but now i've finally started to conjure up responses in my head (with the help of some people's advice) that help me respond on the spot.
for example, if someone asks you something rude like
"why are you wearing that?"
or "i'm Muslim too but I don't wear the Islamic head thing" (or whatever that dumb girl said to you, aisha)
or "hey, come here i want to talk to you (possible remark from sleezy guy)"...
a great response is a cold stare followed by "why?" or "why do you want to know?" or "why do you say that?"
it sends the "it's none of your business" message as clearly as a nice slap in the face, but ALSO at the same time it puts the other person on the spot and makes THEM a little nervous b/c then they have to answer a question instead of you. And really, there's no good explanation for their rude behavior so they have nothing to say and usually looked a little shocked and embarrassed. so you: +1 (cha-chiiing [fighting bell sound effect]), them: 0!
another great response is just the nice, simple cold hard stare in the eyes. People who make rude remarks to you usually don't expect you to be bold enough to look them in the eyes, so you can kind of turn the tables and make THEM shy.
finally, something I have found that works a lot is the guilting-them-out-with-politeness-but-not-really
method. It works somewhat like this:
stupid racist girl: "you know i'm Muslim too blah blah but I don't wear the head thing, blah.."
you: "sometimes I go to interviews where the person is really ignorant, but it's so nice to know that your company's employees are so open-minded and intelligent. thanks for giving me a good representation"
and then just turning around and walking away. OHHH! burrrrrrrrrnnnnnnnn!
hahaha ok maybe all of those responses are lame but maybe they COULD work at some point at some time in the future.
good luck again finding a job and take care everyone. salaams :)
-cathy
Friday, April 4, 2008
Importance of Good Company
Poor Frog
Once upon a time, there was a mouse, which, whilst passing a pond witnessed a frog emerge from the depth of the pond. Astonished by this unusual sight, the mouse began to converse with the frog and through this, a very warm and friendly conversation took place. A very close friendship grew between the two of them, until it developed into a love relationship. By mutual arrangement, they appointed a specific time at which they could meet each other in the mornings daily and converse with each other for a long time. At these special meetings they use to enlighten each other with their own opinions regarding certain topics or they use to entertain each other with exciting stories regarding their past. Their hearts opened up to each other and were joy filled at the sight of one another.
One day the mouse said to the frog “You are swimming around in the water while I am left all alone on the dry earth. I suffer the pangs of sorrow over being parted from you. When lonely, I come to the edge of the water to call to you, but while you are in the water, even the voice of a lover cannot be heard. I cannot be at peace by meeting you for such a short time each day.”
The mouse replied, “O beloved frog: I cannot live a moment of my life peacefully without seeing your face. By day, the sight of you is my life: by night the thought of you is my tranquillity and sleep. It will be very courteous on your part that you will permit me the pleasure of meeting you time upon time at every opportunity possible.”
The mouse carried on by saying “My respected friend, I am a creature that can live on land alone, whereas you can live on land and in water. But how is it possible for you to know inside the water that I have the desire to meet you?”
For quite a while they pondered upon this and consulted each other until finally, the mouse put an opinion forward. This opinion was that one end of a piece of string is to be tied to the foot of the frog and the other end is to be tied to the foot of the mouse. Thus, when the mouse has a desire to meet the frog he will just need to pull the string and the frog will respond by returning to the surface of the water.
The frog considered the mouse's suggestion to be a bad one and said in his heart, “This evil one, wishes to tie me up and make me live like a prisoner.”
Despite disliking the mouse's suggestion, the frog found an inclination within himself to accept to the request.
The two of them, by pulling the string were able to meet each other repeatedly each day until destruction struck them one morning. A vulture seeing it's pray i.e. the mouse, from high above soared down upon the mouse, it also unknowingly, lifted the frog out of the water where until now he was safe and comfortable. This was due to the fact that the string held the mouse and the frog together. Unfortunately, what fate awaited the mouse befell the frog as well. The vulture killed them both and devoured them. If the frog remained in the water and had not formed a friendship with the evil mouse, nothing would have happened to him and he would not have been the prey of the vulture.
Hadrat Rumi Rahmatullahe alayhi uses this story as an example to draw our attention to the harms and effects of having bad company. It is a very good story with a powerful moral lesson.
Hadrat Rumi Rahmatullahe alayhi says:
“In this story we see the soul, the self and the shaytaan. The self represents the mouse, the soul represents the frog and the vulture represents the shaytaan.
The self, in order to satisfy its desires engages the soul in evil practises, endeavours to tie it with a string so that the soul indulges in these evil practises as well. When the soul reluctantly obeys the desires of the self and befriends the self, it allows the shaytaan to pull it whenever it wishes. In this way the soul is also humiliated because of the contact with the self. Hence, when shaytaan will go to hell, the self, who was in its beak, will also go to hell and so will the soul which was tied to the self.
In this day and age, we live in the midst of bad people and evil company. By befriending these evildoers, we will eventually be affected by their foul doings and will also indulge in these sins. By indulging in things that are wrong, we will only become more and more sinful and we will be dragged with the evildoers into Jahannam, which is the totally the opposite direction to where we should be heading.
Whereas if we are to befriend the pious, we will be affected by their good deeds and we will eventually get in to Jannat.
My dear respected readers, we have been given two choices only, but the big question is, which one will we choose? In this world we are not forced to do anything, we act upon our desires.
May Allah Ta'ala grant us the ability to choose what is right and may he the Almighty grant us protection from one's self and from shaytaan.
Ameen.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
oh em geeeeeeeee
Salaam :).
guess who finally got her username to work on here?!@$# ...it only took forever and a day. I'm so excited about this blog! What an awesome and cute idea. Props to you, my suga-sweet-aishcream-sundae. Thanks so much for the invite!!
I just got back from work (I finish at 8 pm today and then I have to walk across a dark sketchy highway to get to the metro and then take the sketchy metro to a sketchy street and back home. Livin' up the gangsta life in this city, of course. You know how I do.). So I'm incredibly tired right now, plus I've been kinda sick lately, but in general things have been going well, alhamdolilah.
So normally, I will write real posts and make real comments on ppl's posts (read: some serious entries...or maybe some humorous ones, but the point is they will hopefully have actual content in the future). But as for now, I'm too tired to really think. My brain is like the slushy snow that I see EVERYWHERE...I can't wait for spring!
This is so weird to write in English btw. Hopefully my grammar won't be too messed up. I apologize in advance for any weird mistakes. I'm used to just mixin up the 2 languages whenever I want now and now it's weird to write in just one. especially weird since the t.v. is rambling in french behind me. gross, i really don't like the slang they use here in montréal...am i allowed to say that or is that too un-p.c.?
anywayyyyyyyyyyys, sorry this post has no actual point. I just wanted to say hi to everyone, and give you a little preview in advance, letting you know about my future feature presentations that should show up on this blog in the days to come ;). HAHA I can't believe I just wrote that. How lame. Anyway, goodnight everyone, take care.
love,
your secret admirer ;).............
guess who finally got her username to work on here?!@$# ...it only took forever and a day. I'm so excited about this blog! What an awesome and cute idea. Props to you, my suga-sweet-aishcream-sundae. Thanks so much for the invite!!
I just got back from work (I finish at 8 pm today and then I have to walk across a dark sketchy highway to get to the metro and then take the sketchy metro to a sketchy street and back home. Livin' up the gangsta life in this city, of course. You know how I do.). So I'm incredibly tired right now, plus I've been kinda sick lately, but in general things have been going well, alhamdolilah.
So normally, I will write real posts and make real comments on ppl's posts (read: some serious entries...or maybe some humorous ones, but the point is they will hopefully have actual content in the future). But as for now, I'm too tired to really think. My brain is like the slushy snow that I see EVERYWHERE...I can't wait for spring!
This is so weird to write in English btw. Hopefully my grammar won't be too messed up. I apologize in advance for any weird mistakes. I'm used to just mixin up the 2 languages whenever I want now and now it's weird to write in just one. especially weird since the t.v. is rambling in french behind me. gross, i really don't like the slang they use here in montréal...am i allowed to say that or is that too un-p.c.?
anywayyyyyyyyyyys, sorry this post has no actual point. I just wanted to say hi to everyone, and give you a little preview in advance, letting you know about my future feature presentations that should show up on this blog in the days to come ;). HAHA I can't believe I just wrote that. How lame. Anyway, goodnight everyone, take care.
love,
your secret admirer ;).............
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
fly, fly away
The heart can never be vacant. The notion seems inconceivable, unimaginable. What would that kind of person be like? It's impossible. There must be some preoccupation to fill it - some fear to guard it, some memory to soften it, some inclination to guide it, some hope to lighten it, some purity to sustain it, and some truth to nourish it.
Friday, March 14, 2008
Sweet and Sour Discrimination
I am not one to victimize myself because I choose to observe hijab. That kind of mentality disgusts me even, and I have realized that the more a person conditions themselves to think that society is responding to them in a certain manner because of it, the more they start to believe it and act with that understanding even though it is an entirely false mentality, most of the time. I also think that perhaps the subject of hijab has become a redundantly discussed topic - a dead horse that is continuously beaten. Yet the reality is that a lot of Muslim women have their own unique experience with it. They have their stories of liberation, discrimination, spirituality, objectification, fashion evolution, etc.
I don't think anything I have to say on the subject would be new, or even a compelling story to write or read... so I am going to get to the point of today's entry - I think I genuinely experience discrimination, on a regular basis. I think this is funny, strange, and bewildering. I don't even want to acknowledge it for what it is, and have denied it for a long time, but its still there, honestly.
I am not complaining, by any means. Discrimination exists in almost every crevice of society and rarely will you encounter someone who can claim they have never experienced it in someway. I think its important what you do when you face the supposed discrimination, meaning, you have the ability to transform what you have just been exposed to - whether you even allow it to be discrimination per say. I am not saying that another person's action of making a decision against you will not happen, but I am saying you can change how you choose to internalize their action, and how you let it effect you. For example if someone 'discriminates' against you, whatever the situation may be... you could view it as actually saving you from having to be around something inappropriate for you and in actuality doing you the favor of pointing out the inadequacy or unsuitability of the environment you would be entering. Voila! Discrimination has miraculously transformed into liberation. One man's trash is another man's treasure, playa.
hahaahahah, ok ok ok... maybe that is entirely too optimistic and idealistic, but I don't care!
Let me marinate in this deluded perception of reality :)
Okay also, before I commence with my supposed instance of 'discrimination' which I am not even sure it was, because I could talk myself out of believing it, and even feel shameful for thinking so poorly of a person... I want to say that while I am involved in the moment, engaging in that instant, I rarely respond adequately at that time, and even fail to realize what exactly is going on. Later, maybe at the end of the day I reflect and think about what exactly happened and how I could have better responded to that situation. I realize this is an intellectually lethargic response, but I am comfortable with interaction based on this, since I know actively subscribing to such methods prevents me from acting with rash impulsive behavior, sometimes.
Also, I want to state that generally I interview horribly (I am now shifting the topic to job interviews and progressing in this arduous and odiously drawn out posting!) If I could describe myself and read my thoughts from the third person, I would probably describe what I see as something like -
She walks in timid, uncertain, reserved, a slight facial twitch might even be noticeable... She perceives that the position she is interviewing for is competitive and believes that several others, (if not everybody) are significantly more qualified than her. She seems vaguely familiar with the idea of what the employer calls 'selling yourself or talking yourself up for the job' but is exceedingly poorly versed in such an art and adamantly escapes from pressures inclining her towards resume embellishment. What a silly child, with nodular acne and a meek lisp - who turns pink when stumbling on a question she isn't quite sure how to answer, gradually becoming overwhelmed by a more robust red that permeates her complexion as each second passes - realizing just how long she is taking to formulate an appropriate response.
That was all too illustrative of a description, even for me. But yeah, now you can all imagine what its like to accompany me into an interview. No wonder I have yet to secure employment! Alhumdulilah rabil alameen! So yeah, that said, let me tell you about one specific interview I had.
I did not want to go in when the call came for the interview. I decided I was giving up actively seeking a serious job until I would get back from Pakistan this summer. I told the lady who called - Kay, that I was not looking for a position and that I would be leaving the country in a couple months for an extended period of time. She assured me that it would be more than okay and that I should still come in for the interview. I relented and continued with the phone interview even though I knew it was not a good idea at all. She asked me to come in the morning on the following day and I told her ok. (Okay to Kay, hahaha...!)
I showed up the next day, bright and early in my prim black suit and interview shoes (with their nifty silver buckles), making sure to turn off my cellphone. Taking a deep breath I walked into the office building and saw that the waiting room was already filled with a myriad of professionally dressed individuals holding folders and filling out paperwork. All eyes instantly turned on me as I walked in, not because of the rarity of seeing a 12 year old looking hijabi in an office building, but because I was the newcomer, joining the mass of unemployed competitors.
I greeted the front desk receptionist as jovially as an overly pronounced self consciousness would allow, received paperwork that needed to be filled out, and grabbed the seat that was closest to me. As I sat there waiting and observing, people began to be greeted one by one from different interviewers and taken away from the waiting area. I knew my time was coming, and I anxiously anticipated my inevitable meeting with the mysterious Kay, who had an exquisite European accent that I remembered from our phone conversation. As women walked by, I imagined which of them was Kay - whether she was elderly or youthful, whether she would be a brunette or a blond (you know the stereotypical visual imagery constructs were going through my head). Moments later, a tall and attractive brunette with long wisps of wavy hair, probably early thirties or late twenties, wearing a stylish skirt business suit, and cowboy boots enthusiastically greeted me and seemed to soak me in during what appeared to be a lengthy examination tailored to measure my aesthetic value. Hilarious! I was amused and set at ease even amidst my habitual trepidation.
I let Kay lead me to her office, liberated from my regular feelings of hesitation, knowing that I did not really need to stress the importance of this interview, since this job was something that I was not particularly interested in. This indifference gave me a sort of confidence, I could be as expressive and natural as I chose, why be bothered by consciously constructed reserve or be burdened by nervous inadequacy? I was prepared to perform well in this interview, just for kicks at the very least.
I did not realize the particular peculiarity of it at the time, but she never shook my hand or even made a physical extension of greeting. But then again, neither did I, and immediately this fleeting thought was marked as the first slip up on the mentally constructed piece of paper that I was using to jot down all the points where I thought I performed poorly during the interview.
I am not entirely sure how long a good interview or a successful interview is supposed to take. The only law firm that hired me for part time work while I was still in undergrad gave me an interview that lasted about 15 minutes and I got the job on the spot, so I guess I didn't realize that a fruitful interview could last approximately 30 minutes until after Naila and Massouda enlightened me. This particular interview, I can say took about 12 minutes, which was much less time than it even took me to drive to the office building from my house.
I will cut through the dialogue of the interview, but I will get to the part where I noticed a sour turn for the worst, if I did not first acknowledge it from the very beginning. Kay seemed to focus on one aspect of my entire resume - a resume filled with varying experiences written in size 10 font. The area that she constantly asked me about was related to my affiliation with work involving an Islamic organization. Several questions came, all directed to that one experience! I answered all her interrogations patiently then tried to sway the conversation and state my qualifications based on other experiences and somewhat speak of multifaceted levels of involvement and interest, but she did not seem to care and my attempts failed miserably. I contained my frustration, only because I did not realize what was happening entirely at the time, later I acknowledged it for what it was and welcomed the well justified emotion. Towards the end of the speedy jack rabbit interview, Kay walked me out, and again made no movement towards shaking my hand, so I not wanting to make another blunder, eagerly extended my own. She met it with her own unprofessional floppy half grasp (If I am even permitted such an understatement), since she was holding onto a pen, and her facial expression plainly showed that she was most distastefully humoring my gesture. Her last comments, as I tried looking at her warmly and appreciatively were, "I am also Islamic, but I don't wear the head thing". I met this comment as politely and diplomatically as possible by saying "Oh! I have a lot of friends that don't either." I smiled and retreated happily, knowing the interview went horribly, but acknowledging it was not on my accord.
Things like this, confuse me... for a number of reasons... I wonder if I responded properly to all of this. Would it have been better for me to more directly approach the situation and blatantly say that I felt the interview was unprofessional while it was going on? Perhaps, I should have done that, since acquiring the job did not matter, and it would have been more beneficial for Kay to understand what I was being subjected to. Maybe it was best to use the approach that I did, since I am certain that my actions did not contribute to the formation of an unfavorable opinion, even though one preexisted.
Also, I noticed that Kay did something weird. She started to judge me and actively chose to do so. In this judgment she deduced that my personality was a judging one, a personality that in turn was judging her. So she in her mind, decided to meet me with my own perception of her. To combat my closed mindedness and condemning mentality regarding her, which was undoubtedly entirely false and baseless. I find it strange that people are able to do this, to try to anticipate another's thoughts when they have no idea who they are or what they believe - especially since my acquaintance with her was so fresh and short lived. I guess I came out of this the most frustrated with the idea of thinking that she thought I was looking down on her because of my religious bearing, and perhaps inferring that I was internally noting an inadequacy in her.
Is that what people see me for when they see a hijab? I sometimes even forget that I have a scarf on my head, it has become second nature to me, like putting on a shirt or a pair of socks. I don't want that to be my identity, 'the hijabi', that is only one component of my modesty which is simply yet another component that I try to embody in the expansive sea of my identity and being. But to make that the main indicator of identity or my sole personality, seems to be a true injustice. And even more, to suppose that a fellow Muslim would be the one to subject another to such an injustice! Alhumdulilah rabil alameen! May Allah (swt) guide us all.
I don't think anything I have to say on the subject would be new, or even a compelling story to write or read... so I am going to get to the point of today's entry - I think I genuinely experience discrimination, on a regular basis. I think this is funny, strange, and bewildering. I don't even want to acknowledge it for what it is, and have denied it for a long time, but its still there, honestly.
I am not complaining, by any means. Discrimination exists in almost every crevice of society and rarely will you encounter someone who can claim they have never experienced it in someway. I think its important what you do when you face the supposed discrimination, meaning, you have the ability to transform what you have just been exposed to - whether you even allow it to be discrimination per say. I am not saying that another person's action of making a decision against you will not happen, but I am saying you can change how you choose to internalize their action, and how you let it effect you. For example if someone 'discriminates' against you, whatever the situation may be... you could view it as actually saving you from having to be around something inappropriate for you and in actuality doing you the favor of pointing out the inadequacy or unsuitability of the environment you would be entering. Voila! Discrimination has miraculously transformed into liberation. One man's trash is another man's treasure, playa.
hahaahahah, ok ok ok... maybe that is entirely too optimistic and idealistic, but I don't care!
Let me marinate in this deluded perception of reality :)
Okay also, before I commence with my supposed instance of 'discrimination' which I am not even sure it was, because I could talk myself out of believing it, and even feel shameful for thinking so poorly of a person... I want to say that while I am involved in the moment, engaging in that instant, I rarely respond adequately at that time, and even fail to realize what exactly is going on. Later, maybe at the end of the day I reflect and think about what exactly happened and how I could have better responded to that situation. I realize this is an intellectually lethargic response, but I am comfortable with interaction based on this, since I know actively subscribing to such methods prevents me from acting with rash impulsive behavior, sometimes.
Also, I want to state that generally I interview horribly (I am now shifting the topic to job interviews and progressing in this arduous and odiously drawn out posting!) If I could describe myself and read my thoughts from the third person, I would probably describe what I see as something like -
She walks in timid, uncertain, reserved, a slight facial twitch might even be noticeable... She perceives that the position she is interviewing for is competitive and believes that several others, (if not everybody) are significantly more qualified than her. She seems vaguely familiar with the idea of what the employer calls 'selling yourself or talking yourself up for the job' but is exceedingly poorly versed in such an art and adamantly escapes from pressures inclining her towards resume embellishment. What a silly child, with nodular acne and a meek lisp - who turns pink when stumbling on a question she isn't quite sure how to answer, gradually becoming overwhelmed by a more robust red that permeates her complexion as each second passes - realizing just how long she is taking to formulate an appropriate response.
That was all too illustrative of a description, even for me. But yeah, now you can all imagine what its like to accompany me into an interview. No wonder I have yet to secure employment! Alhumdulilah rabil alameen! So yeah, that said, let me tell you about one specific interview I had.
I did not want to go in when the call came for the interview. I decided I was giving up actively seeking a serious job until I would get back from Pakistan this summer. I told the lady who called - Kay, that I was not looking for a position and that I would be leaving the country in a couple months for an extended period of time. She assured me that it would be more than okay and that I should still come in for the interview. I relented and continued with the phone interview even though I knew it was not a good idea at all. She asked me to come in the morning on the following day and I told her ok. (Okay to Kay, hahaha...!)
I showed up the next day, bright and early in my prim black suit and interview shoes (with their nifty silver buckles), making sure to turn off my cellphone. Taking a deep breath I walked into the office building and saw that the waiting room was already filled with a myriad of professionally dressed individuals holding folders and filling out paperwork. All eyes instantly turned on me as I walked in, not because of the rarity of seeing a 12 year old looking hijabi in an office building, but because I was the newcomer, joining the mass of unemployed competitors.
I greeted the front desk receptionist as jovially as an overly pronounced self consciousness would allow, received paperwork that needed to be filled out, and grabbed the seat that was closest to me. As I sat there waiting and observing, people began to be greeted one by one from different interviewers and taken away from the waiting area. I knew my time was coming, and I anxiously anticipated my inevitable meeting with the mysterious Kay, who had an exquisite European accent that I remembered from our phone conversation. As women walked by, I imagined which of them was Kay - whether she was elderly or youthful, whether she would be a brunette or a blond (you know the stereotypical visual imagery constructs were going through my head). Moments later, a tall and attractive brunette with long wisps of wavy hair, probably early thirties or late twenties, wearing a stylish skirt business suit, and cowboy boots enthusiastically greeted me and seemed to soak me in during what appeared to be a lengthy examination tailored to measure my aesthetic value. Hilarious! I was amused and set at ease even amidst my habitual trepidation.
I let Kay lead me to her office, liberated from my regular feelings of hesitation, knowing that I did not really need to stress the importance of this interview, since this job was something that I was not particularly interested in. This indifference gave me a sort of confidence, I could be as expressive and natural as I chose, why be bothered by consciously constructed reserve or be burdened by nervous inadequacy? I was prepared to perform well in this interview, just for kicks at the very least.
I did not realize the particular peculiarity of it at the time, but she never shook my hand or even made a physical extension of greeting. But then again, neither did I, and immediately this fleeting thought was marked as the first slip up on the mentally constructed piece of paper that I was using to jot down all the points where I thought I performed poorly during the interview.
I am not entirely sure how long a good interview or a successful interview is supposed to take. The only law firm that hired me for part time work while I was still in undergrad gave me an interview that lasted about 15 minutes and I got the job on the spot, so I guess I didn't realize that a fruitful interview could last approximately 30 minutes until after Naila and Massouda enlightened me. This particular interview, I can say took about 12 minutes, which was much less time than it even took me to drive to the office building from my house.
I will cut through the dialogue of the interview, but I will get to the part where I noticed a sour turn for the worst, if I did not first acknowledge it from the very beginning. Kay seemed to focus on one aspect of my entire resume - a resume filled with varying experiences written in size 10 font. The area that she constantly asked me about was related to my affiliation with work involving an Islamic organization. Several questions came, all directed to that one experience! I answered all her interrogations patiently then tried to sway the conversation and state my qualifications based on other experiences and somewhat speak of multifaceted levels of involvement and interest, but she did not seem to care and my attempts failed miserably. I contained my frustration, only because I did not realize what was happening entirely at the time, later I acknowledged it for what it was and welcomed the well justified emotion. Towards the end of the speedy jack rabbit interview, Kay walked me out, and again made no movement towards shaking my hand, so I not wanting to make another blunder, eagerly extended my own. She met it with her own unprofessional floppy half grasp (If I am even permitted such an understatement), since she was holding onto a pen, and her facial expression plainly showed that she was most distastefully humoring my gesture. Her last comments, as I tried looking at her warmly and appreciatively were, "I am also Islamic, but I don't wear the head thing". I met this comment as politely and diplomatically as possible by saying "Oh! I have a lot of friends that don't either." I smiled and retreated happily, knowing the interview went horribly, but acknowledging it was not on my accord.
Things like this, confuse me... for a number of reasons... I wonder if I responded properly to all of this. Would it have been better for me to more directly approach the situation and blatantly say that I felt the interview was unprofessional while it was going on? Perhaps, I should have done that, since acquiring the job did not matter, and it would have been more beneficial for Kay to understand what I was being subjected to. Maybe it was best to use the approach that I did, since I am certain that my actions did not contribute to the formation of an unfavorable opinion, even though one preexisted.
Also, I noticed that Kay did something weird. She started to judge me and actively chose to do so. In this judgment she deduced that my personality was a judging one, a personality that in turn was judging her. So she in her mind, decided to meet me with my own perception of her. To combat my closed mindedness and condemning mentality regarding her, which was undoubtedly entirely false and baseless. I find it strange that people are able to do this, to try to anticipate another's thoughts when they have no idea who they are or what they believe - especially since my acquaintance with her was so fresh and short lived. I guess I came out of this the most frustrated with the idea of thinking that she thought I was looking down on her because of my religious bearing, and perhaps inferring that I was internally noting an inadequacy in her.
Is that what people see me for when they see a hijab? I sometimes even forget that I have a scarf on my head, it has become second nature to me, like putting on a shirt or a pair of socks. I don't want that to be my identity, 'the hijabi', that is only one component of my modesty which is simply yet another component that I try to embody in the expansive sea of my identity and being. But to make that the main indicator of identity or my sole personality, seems to be a true injustice. And even more, to suppose that a fellow Muslim would be the one to subject another to such an injustice! Alhumdulilah rabil alameen! May Allah (swt) guide us all.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
The Influence of Association
It seems that flu season is in full swing – or at least I hear as much about the outside world from the confines of my sanctuary.
Strangely enough, each flu appears to be different, specially tailored to afflict its victim in a seemingly malicious manner. I hear about symptoms such as headache, fever, chills, sneezing, runny nose, nasal inflammation, blocked nose, dry cough, sore throat, sweating, body aches, muscle aches, limb pain, joint pain, loss of appetite, prostration, exhaustion, fatigue, weakness, and myalgia. A convalescent is rarely known to have a mix of all these blessed ingredients in their brimming stew of misery, but there is usually a special combination of a few of these things. Each flu is distinct. No two flu are exactly alike. And certainly with such an extensive list of symptoms, who does not qualify to claim a flu? Heck, with my myalgia I could be coming down with something right now.
… and we are not just flesh and bone…
We have heart, mind, and soul - parts which are more often at risk of being affected than any other part of us and yet are dangerously ignored, to the degree that we are heedless of impurities in these systems. Even scarier, sometimes people realize there is something wrong and actively choose to disregard and reject a means of treatment.
But wait until you have to shave it all off!
“None of you will truly believe until you love for your brother what you love for yourself”
[Sahih Bukhari]
The reason for this entry is not just to share a few of my thoughts. Today I want to ask everyone to consider not only our relationship with Allah Aza Wa Jal but also our relations with one another. I want everyone to understand the serious responsibility that each one of us carries, and to realize that we cannot shy away from it due to ignorance or unawareness or even laziness. Every person that we encounter is part of our risq and should be treated as such. Every person that we come across is going through their own struggle; every person that we encounter has a mind and a discerning eye. Every person that we encounter has the ability to love you or hate you, the ability to teach you something or learn something from you. Each person you meet has a family, their own perception of existence, their own ability to comprehend, to feel pain, to enjoy life and see beauty around them or experience misery at every turn. Every person has been strategically placed in our path for a reason, whether we have the capacity to realize it at the time or not. And every person you meet has embarked on the same journey you have.
[Sahih Bukhari, Volume 3, Book 34, Number 314]
Narrated Abu Musa: The Prophet said, "A faithful believer to a faithful believer is like the bricks of a wall, enforcing each other." While (saying that) the Prophet clasped his hands, by interlacing his fingers. [Sahih Bukhari, Volume 1, Book 8, Number 468]
“A person is likely to follow the faith of his friend, so look whom you befriend.” [Abu Dawood and at-Tirmithi]
Let us be mindful that we have the ability to cultivate our circles of friendship and remove impurities from it. Let us help one another stay on Sirat al Mustaqeem.
The Day that the wrong-doer will bite at his hands, he will say, "Oh! would that I had taken a (straight) path with the Messenger! "Ah! woe is me! Would that I had never taken such a one for a friend! "He did lead me astray from the Message (of Allah) after it had come to me! Ah! the Evil One is but a traitor to man!"
[The Holy Qur’an, Surah Al-Furqan 25:27-29]
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