ode to the angel i met on the dolmuş

i am writing this post in a hurry because it is 2 am and because i do NOT want to forget about what happened today.

i got on the minibus to uskudar like i normally do and was fretting about with all kinds of silly worries and negative thoughts (it has become habitual at this point unfortunately). i must have had a silly look of devastation or sadness on my face and was lost in whatever was going on in my head. i did not even realize there was a precious baby girl sitting next to me on her grandmother's lap. she must have been at least 2 and she was mumbling to herself in turkish and staring at me. she kept kicking my leg with her little pink boot and her grandmother would move her leg away from mine. i finally decided to look her way because the kicks were enjoyable and i totally did not consider them an annoyance as the grandmother might have thought.

oh my GOSH. i turned my face to be greeted by BIG BEAUTIFUL BROWN EYES looking up at me. i couldn't help but crack a smile... which was received with the most ADORABLE smile which suddenly broke into a cute giggle/chuckle. ya Allah! i started staring. i could not take my eyes off of this magnificent creation. how perfect was this piece of art, subhanAllah. she was bubbly and giggly and carefree... she was muttering to herself in turkish... oh what i wouldn't have given to understand my new dear friend. we looked at each other longer, with some kind of an understanding. our souls seemed to speak to each other in those few moments and i looked away with tears in my eyes at how beautiful the experience was.

i started to get overwhelmed and did not want to be seen with tears in my eyes so i stopped looking at the child... eventually i got lost in my thoughts again... some weird negativity seeping its way back into my brain. and all this time i heard chipper squeaks coming from my left hand side. eventually the baby, who realized i was being unresponsive decided to be more direct. she started playing with my coat zipper and touching my face. i had to look her way. and then it hit me. this child was reminding me of how i used to be. how we should all be. how sweet and natural and true she is. unhindered by what is not facing her and bringing love and warmth to those she is interacting with. subhanAllah. what an ANGEL. she is beautiful she is real and she did not care about being that or not being that, she was just being.

today that kid taught me so much. Alhumdulilah rabil alameen. i am certain she was an angel sent to me today. after i got off the bus... i walked away briskly and took a deep breath and laughed to myself loudly... i was standing on the corner ready to cross the street... and out of nowhere the angel baby comes again and runs to me and grabs on to me... and i hear her grandmother laughing. ya Allah. thank You for sending me a teacher through this child and helping my veiled heart absorb this lesson.

every time i impose negativity on myself for no reason, i will think of this child - who distracted me from my own stupidity, long enough to give me some sense.

when the chest cannot contain another drop of grief

I am beginning to rediscover the importance of a routine in one's life. Before I always viewed it as something mundane - the same old kinda undesirable thing all the time - and would therefore flee from it. Not having a routine for awhile has made me view it differently.

There is a stability or grounding in such a thing. There are comforts in the familiar and a person can feel a sense of progression through that. Alhumdulilah.

I have also realized a few other things about myself...

I have formulated a strange habit where I spend everyday with an underlying nervousness thinking that the next moment I could be dead or something horrendous could happen to 'disrupt' everything. This is generally true. But really it is unrealistic and unhealthy to think in such a way. Instead this mentality subjects me to all kinds of random possibilities to worry about - that are not my worries to worry about and may never be. I am burdening myself with all this junk and carry it around wherever I go instead of maintaining a light hearted skip in my step. I really must stop doing that. I have to just breathe and set that ridiculous package down somewhere and forget where I left it.

I also realized that for awhile I have been starving myself of love. I guess this came from feeling betrayal, disappointment, and hurt from many of the close relationships I had formulated. In in an effort to not feel pain again at the hands of selfish others, I decided to just move on from them and encase myself in a self sufficient bubble. This is not working. Although I am trucking along there has to be an exchange and intake from the outside world and I have to learn to have a filter to allow healthier things within my heart. I have become far too critical and hard on myself in an effort to not be like the unsavory others in my life. That is fine and dandy, but I need to realize that I am not perfect and chances are I will hurt someone and never realize what I have done. This is natural. This is normal. This is life. They will forgive me, I will forgive them, we will keep going inshAllah.

Allah, I ask for Your help throughout all of this. I thank You for every blessing You are giving me. I know You are being so gentle and patient with me.

she placed a warm palm to my shivering cheek

Okay so I have been here for almost 3 weeks now... but it feels so much longer in a fulfilling way Alhumdulilah. I passed my first official assignment almost 2 weeks ago and have been struggling with the disconnected haruf assignment... I have a feeling it is going to take MUCH longer to pass this one. I hope I can get through AT LEAST the connected haruf during my time here, but I hear that could take years to pass (I counted it and I think it is 12 assignments total... if going by the sulus and nesik book I picked up from IRCICA).

InshAllah we will see how things progress... also, I am realizing I REALLY need to learn the language. There is no time for that right now, at least not during this stay but some friends are coming to visit from the states and are bringing me a teach yourself Turkish book, lol. The pronunciation of words seems to be a lot more difficult than Arabic, even though the language uses Roman alphabets!

Also I want to say something about the people I have been meeting here. Never have I come across a place where I am delighted by the personality of EVERY person I am meeting, Alhumdulilah rabil alameen. Especially the calligraphy masters! Everyone is soooo wow. Really indescribable with such depth of character, personality, goodness, and sincerity. They are so down to earth, yet accomplished and generous. May Allah bless them all. My heart really swells with happiness when I am in their company and after spending all day with them, I come back to the apartment feeling such peace, Alhumdulilah rabil alameen.

Turkey is also a haven for a spiritualty/sufism lush. I see beautiful masajid and mazaars everywhere. I also have a feeling there are plenty of dergahs here... I went to jerrahi dergah a few nights ago in Fatih and it was amazing. Also, there are a whole bunch of foreign 'seekers' here that I have been meeting through various people... people that have been searching for Truth and have come here somewhere during that journey and decided to stay. Says something about the place I think.

Being here has changed my perception of time. I am not sure how to explain it. A year no longer seems like a long time, neither does 5 years, 10, 30, or a life time. Also, being here has really allowed me to question what it is that I need as opposed to what society tells me I need.

Life seems stranger to me than ever. I cannot describe what I am feeling. But this feels good.

love at first sight

Okay so update so far, just a quick one... since I am on the way to Uskudar in search of a kapanabilir masa... :)

Istanbul feels like the most natural thing I have done in awhile. Alhumdulilah rabil alameen.