yup

devils cannot be angels no matter how hard they try. and angels cannot survive in hell no matter how hard they try.

you ain't nobody!

At times when distaste for humanity gets overwhelming I must remind myself that I am speaking from an irrational/emotional/disgusted/reactionary state. This 'irrational' mindset happens to bloom into its most verdant state when taking my male counter parts into consideration.

Alhumdulilah even while feeling like that I welcome any opportunity to be humbled and for lack of a better word - have the wind knocked out of any cynical/curmudgeon-like grip on reality that I might be formulating. So I will embark on this post in order to encapsulate a pill in words. A medication that will work to preemptively stop me from interring a soul that was created to fly.

The first documentation in this elixir - I am not at liberty to post about yet. But Alhumdulilah... it is quite something. Kinda like when something is staring you starkly in the face for so long, and then BAM! it hits you full force, and you see it, and it makes sense, and your heart feels peace for that minuscule crumb second in the cookie of your life. But at least you tasted peace long enough to testify that it is real. Or kinda like when you can finally look at the fillet mignon sitting in the back of your fridge and know that it would make the perfect savory Korean bulgogi that you did not even know was a dinner option 2 seconds ago. So yeah. Half of the pill is done :)

The part that I am at liberty to write about will comprise the rest of this post. There was a point in my life where I was basically living out of my car. Alhumdulilah I managed to stay with a friend that was renting a humble property that also housed a blind and deaf cat that I think was mentally unstable. I also happen to be allergic to cats and this fellow (which to this day I refuse to believe was blind and deaf) loved to attack and scratch the heck out of people and extract as much blood as it pleased - only to be coddled and carried around on a silver platter, called by several ridiculous terms of endearment, mutilate any inanimate object in sight, and eat copious amounts of gourmet foods. Yeah. Such is the risq of Allah.

So basically, when I was leaving, Alhumdulilah rabil alameen, I was BEYOND relieved. But overall I was in a pretty cynical and disenchanted state of mind... no further details on the cause of that. But yeah, I really hated all males at that point and viewed them as the scum of the earth... kinda like, how are they even daring to breathe the rest of the good air on this planet? Those stupid lousy filthy selfish uncouth barbarians that dare to walk around for another second without slitting their own wrists! hahahaha, okay I think you get the point.

But I really was so engulfed in this perception. I walked out to load a bag into the car and I heard a creak coming from the neighbors front door. Out came a homely, skinny, shabbily dressed, middle aged white man in glasses, carrying three babies in his arms... and leading another child by the hand. He proceeded to laugh and joke with them as he opened the doors of his run down/dilapidating van and buckled his kids into their respected child seats. He was laughing and jolly and appeared to be caring and responsible. Was I hallucinating? Who was the strange creature that landed on this planet of ogre men? There was no lady in sight that might be responsible for dictating his humane actions. I literally stopped what I was doing to rub my eyes and shamelessly stare with my jaw agape. I stood there well after he had pulled out of the drive way, frozen in that moment that just happened. I was humbled. It was like Allah in that very instant showed me that I was wrong, I was stupid, I was silly. It was the exact proof that I needed to knock me right off my high horse and allow me to acknowledge that I was wounded but it would heal through the Grace of Allah.

Yup so the elixir is done. hahaha... and I have to end the post now cause I gotta go :P

courage

She glared at me with decades full of vengeful daggers. A ghastly pale suffused her otherwise rosy countenance. An eerily calm voice slithered forward and wrapped itself around me -

'Why do you think you're so special?'

Truly confused, I looked up, suddenly uncertain of who stood before me -

'My Lady, I think no such thing. But just because I think something does not make it the truth.'

freedom

Those who say or think "oh for what merit do I deserve this (blessing or punishment)?" still have a hidden arrogance. They imagine this universe is run according to human merit instead of Divine Generosity.

brother guilt

today i say goodbye to you

and you look down on me thinking i was going to cut another key

but i won't look at you for another second

we paid our dues together in a maelstrom of anguish

i won't apologize to you anymore, my beloved mistakes

asking for a chance to undo inhaled air and heart beats is sorry enough

i won't add another brick to your temple

won't nail another shingle on your roof

walking down this road to you was a blessing

it was destiny

i found my reflection in your corridors

my bare feet stepped on broken glass as i repaired every window

there isn't a door that i didn't open and a corner that i didn't weep in

i trapped myself in each room and waited until i swept all the ashes i spread

pulling my hair, i dragged a pitiful body up and down your staircase

and extinguished my heart while lighting your chandelier

i bled a carpet to fill your halls

the melted candles that burned from flames of ignorance have been replaced

and as i walk out, i know i still have matches in my pocket

but i am burning your map tonight