and i swear that i do have a gun :)

50%

I only feel half of what I used to.
No matter how happy.
No matter how sad.
It is only fifty percent.

Because when I cry, no tears come down.
And when I sing, I am not looking in anyone's eyes.
When I dance, I am moving without music.
And when I hold hands, everyone feels like a stranger.
I don't even care to yell or scream.

Because I remember what those things felt like.
And it just doesn't feel like that anymore.

soul. mate.

so tell the hater here's the slammer!!!!!!!!

hopping around to this right now :)

SOMETHING HAS SHIFTED IN ME. YA ALLAH. YA ALLAH YA ALLAH YA ALLAH!!!!!!!!! this is blisssssssssssssssssssssssss. Alhumdulilah rabil alameen :) icing on the cake... seeing my beautiful chotu in 3 DAYS INSHALLAH. what could be better than holding EVERYTHING better than the world in your arms at once in one adorable little packaging. sigh sigh sigh. im so inlove with asiyah. Alhumdulilah rabil alameen :)

okay so... heading to prince's islands tomorrow with salaha for the day. probably gonna chill by kiz kulesi and relax by the water tonight and do some dhikr and meditate. atkins is going insanely well. im freaking gorgeous Alhumdulilah and happily relishing in this conceit... most of all I CANNOT WAIT TO SHOW OFF INFRONT OF KIRBY AND MY CHOTU YESSSSSS!!!! inshAllah :) but man, if i stick with this atkins another year... it will be madness.. gotta try it out.

also, designing this awesome celi sulus composition for the house. i worked on something for two days and hocam DICED it up in like 5 minutes and restructured the entire piece. still got a long way to go with designing stylized compositions, but heyyyy gotta start somewhere to get somewhere, u know what im saying?

alright. gotta finish up packing and cleaning. we gots an ant problem right now... but they must be coming in chasing the sweetness that is ayperi cilgin ;) Alhumdulilah rabil alameen for everything. im kissing every breath of air before i inhale it.

Chotu Jaani

Back in Istanbul again :) I went back to the states in January and stayed until March -  to visit my new baby niece, Asiyah who I have nicknamed Chotu and Madam Scrumptious. mashAllah she is the best thing I have ever come to know in my life.  She has been a medicine for my heart Alhumdulilah.  I had no idea that she would have that effect on me.  It has been really miraculous.

I look forward to returning back to her soon inshAllah. Let's get that ijaza, let's get that ijaza inshAllah!!!!

fancy shmanciness

low self esteem has become a luxury i can no longer afford. woe is me!