p.s......why does the time on my first blog post say 8:38 p.m.?! That is so untrue. We have the same time zone and it is definitely 11:57 p.m. here. How unprofessional of this blog site. I am not paying nothing on here to receive such bad service. I demand a refund.

oh em geeeeeeeee

Salaam :).

guess who finally got her username to work on here?!@$# ...it only took forever and a day. I'm so excited about this blog! What an awesome and cute idea. Props to you, my suga-sweet-aishcream-sundae. Thanks so much for the invite!!

I just got back from work (I finish at 8 pm today and then I have to walk across a dark sketchy highway to get to the metro and then take the sketchy metro to a sketchy street and back home. Livin' up the gangsta life in this city, of course. You know how I do.). So I'm incredibly tired right now, plus I've been kinda sick lately, but in general things have been going well, alhamdolilah.

So normally, I will write real posts and make real comments on ppl's posts (read: some serious entries...or maybe some humorous ones, but the point is they will hopefully have actual content in the future). But as for now, I'm too tired to really think. My brain is like the slushy snow that I see EVERYWHERE...I can't wait for spring!

This is so weird to write in English btw. Hopefully my grammar won't be too messed up. I apologize in advance for any weird mistakes. I'm used to just mixin up the 2 languages whenever I want now and now it's weird to write in just one. especially weird since the t.v. is rambling in french behind me. gross, i really don't like the slang they use here in montréal...am i allowed to say that or is that too un-p.c.?

anywayyyyyyyyyyys, sorry this post has no actual point. I just wanted to say hi to everyone, and give you a little preview in advance, letting you know about my future feature presentations that should show up on this blog in the days to come ;). HAHA I can't believe I just wrote that. How lame. Anyway, goodnight everyone, take care.

love,
your secret admirer ;).............

fly, fly away

The heart can never be vacant. The notion seems inconceivable, unimaginable. What would that kind of person be like? It's impossible. There must be some preoccupation to fill it - some fear to guard it, some memory to soften it, some inclination to guide it, some hope to lighten it, some purity to sustain it, and some truth to nourish it.

Sweet and Sour Discrimination

I am not one to victimize myself because I choose to observe hijab. That kind of mentality disgusts me even, and I have realized that the more a person conditions themselves to think that society is responding to them in a certain manner because of it, the more they start to believe it and act with that understanding even though it is an entirely false mentality, most of the time. I also think that perhaps the subject of hijab has become a redundantly discussed topic - a dead horse that is continuously beaten. Yet the reality is that a lot of Muslim women have their own unique experience with it. They have their stories of liberation, discrimination, spirituality, objectification, fashion evolution, etc.

I don't think anything I have to say on the subject would be new, or even a compelling story to write or read... so I am going to get to the point of today's entry - I think I genuinely experience discrimination, on a regular basis. I think this is funny, strange, and bewildering. I don't even want to acknowledge it for what it is, and have denied it for a long time, but its still there, honestly.

I am not complaining, by any means. Discrimination exists in almost every crevice of society and rarely will you encounter someone who can claim they have never experienced it in someway. I think its important what you do when you face the supposed discrimination, meaning, you have the ability to transform what you have just been exposed to - whether you even allow it to be discrimination per say. I am not saying that another person's action of making a decision against you will not happen, but I am saying you can change how you choose to internalize their action, and how you let it effect you. For example if someone 'discriminates' against you, whatever the situation may be... you could view it as actually saving you from having to be around something inappropriate for you and in actuality doing you the favor of pointing out the inadequacy or unsuitability of the environment you would be entering. Voila! Discrimination has miraculously transformed into liberation. One man's trash is another man's treasure, playa.

hahaahahah, ok ok ok... maybe that is entirely too optimistic and idealistic, but I don't care!
Let me marinate in this deluded perception of reality :)

Okay also, before I commence with my supposed instance of 'discrimination' which I am not even sure it was, because I could talk myself out of believing it, and even feel shameful for thinking so poorly of a person... I want to say that while I am involved in the moment, engaging in that instant, I rarely respond adequately at that time, and even fail to realize what exactly is going on. Later, maybe at the end of the day I reflect and think about what exactly happened and how I could have better responded to that situation. I realize this is an intellectually lethargic response, but I am comfortable with interaction based on this, since I know actively subscribing to such methods prevents me from acting with rash impulsive behavior, sometimes.

Also, I want to state that generally I interview horribly (I am now shifting the topic to job interviews and progressing in this arduous and odiously drawn out posting!) If I could describe myself and read my thoughts from the third person, I would probably describe what I see as something like -

She walks in timid, uncertain, reserved, a slight facial twitch might even be noticeable... She perceives that the position she is interviewing for is competitive and believes that several others, (if not everybody) are significantly more qualified than her. She seems vaguely familiar with the idea of what the employer calls 'selling yourself or talking yourself up for the job' but is exceedingly poorly versed in such an art and adamantly escapes from pressures inclining her towards resume embellishment. What a silly child, with nodular acne and a meek lisp - who turns pink when stumbling on a question she isn't quite sure how to answer, gradually becoming overwhelmed by a more robust red that permeates her complexion as each second passes - realizing just how long she is taking to formulate an appropriate response.

That was all too illustrative of a description, even for me. But yeah, now you can all imagine what its like to accompany me into an interview. No wonder I have yet to secure employment! Alhumdulilah rabil alameen! So yeah, that said, let me tell you about one specific interview I had.

I did not want to go in when the call came for the interview. I decided I was giving up actively seeking a serious job until I would get back from Pakistan this summer. I told the lady who called - Kay, that I was not looking for a position and that I would be leaving the country in a couple months for an extended period of time. She assured me that it would be more than okay and that I should still come in for the interview. I relented and continued with the phone interview even though I knew it was not a good idea at all. She asked me to come in the morning on the following day and I told her ok. (Okay to Kay, hahaha...!)

I showed up the next day, bright and early in my prim black suit and interview shoes (with their nifty silver buckles), making sure to turn off my cellphone. Taking a deep breath I walked into the office building and saw that the waiting room was already filled with a myriad of professionally dressed individuals holding folders and filling out paperwork. All eyes instantly turned on me as I walked in, not because of the rarity of seeing a 12 year old looking hijabi in an office building, but because I was the newcomer, joining the mass of unemployed competitors.

I greeted the front desk receptionist as jovially as an overly pronounced self consciousness would allow, received paperwork that needed to be filled out, and grabbed the seat that was closest to me. As I sat there waiting and observing, people began to be greeted one by one from different interviewers and taken away from the waiting area. I knew my time was coming, and I anxiously anticipated my inevitable meeting with the mysterious Kay, who had an exquisite European accent that I remembered from our phone conversation. As women walked by, I imagined which of them was Kay - whether she was elderly or youthful, whether she would be a brunette or a blond (you know the stereotypical visual imagery constructs were going through my head). Moments later, a tall and attractive brunette with long wisps of wavy hair, probably early thirties or late twenties, wearing a stylish skirt business suit, and cowboy boots enthusiastically greeted me and seemed to soak me in during what appeared to be a lengthy examination tailored to measure my aesthetic value. Hilarious! I was amused and set at ease even amidst my habitual trepidation.

I let Kay lead me to her office, liberated from my regular feelings of hesitation, knowing that I did not really need to stress the importance of this interview, since this job was something that I was not particularly interested in. This indifference gave me a sort of confidence, I could be as expressive and natural as I chose, why be bothered by consciously constructed reserve or be burdened by nervous inadequacy? I was prepared to perform well in this interview, just for kicks at the very least.

I did not realize the particular peculiarity of it at the time, but she never shook my hand or even made a physical extension of greeting. But then again, neither did I, and immediately this fleeting thought was marked as the first slip up on the mentally constructed piece of paper that I was using to jot down all the points where I thought I performed poorly during the interview.

I am not entirely sure how long a good interview or a successful interview is supposed to take. The only law firm that hired me for part time work while I was still in undergrad gave me an interview that lasted about 15 minutes and I got the job on the spot, so I guess I didn't realize that a fruitful interview could last approximately 30 minutes until after Naila and Massouda enlightened me. This particular interview, I can say took about 12 minutes, which was much less time than it even took me to drive to the office building from my house.

I will cut through the dialogue of the interview, but I will get to the part where I noticed a sour turn for the worst, if I did not first acknowledge it from the very beginning. Kay seemed to focus on one aspect of my entire resume - a resume filled with varying experiences written in size 10 font. The area that she constantly asked me about was related to my affiliation with work involving an Islamic organization. Several questions came, all directed to that one experience! I answered all her interrogations patiently then tried to sway the conversation and state my qualifications based on other experiences and somewhat speak of multifaceted levels of involvement and interest, but she did not seem to care and my attempts failed miserably. I contained my frustration, only because I did not realize what was happening entirely at the time, later I acknowledged it for what it was and welcomed the well justified emotion. Towards the end of the speedy jack rabbit interview, Kay walked me out, and again made no movement towards shaking my hand, so I not wanting to make another blunder, eagerly extended my own. She met it with her own unprofessional floppy half grasp (If I am even permitted such an understatement), since she was holding onto a pen, and her facial expression plainly showed that she was most distastefully humoring my gesture. Her last comments, as I tried looking at her warmly and appreciatively were, "I am also Islamic, but I don't wear the head thing". I met this comment as politely and diplomatically as possible by saying "Oh! I have a lot of friends that don't either." I smiled and retreated happily, knowing the interview went horribly, but acknowledging it was not on my accord.

Things like this, confuse me... for a number of reasons... I wonder if I responded properly to all of this. Would it have been better for me to more directly approach the situation and blatantly say that I felt the interview was unprofessional while it was going on? Perhaps, I should have done that, since acquiring the job did not matter, and it would have been more beneficial for Kay to understand what I was being subjected to. Maybe it was best to use the approach that I did, since I am certain that my actions did not contribute to the formation of an unfavorable opinion, even though one preexisted.

Also, I noticed that Kay did something weird. She started to judge me and actively chose to do so. In this judgment she deduced that my personality was a judging one, a personality that in turn was judging her. So she in her mind, decided to meet me with my own perception of her. To combat my closed mindedness and condemning mentality regarding her, which was undoubtedly entirely false and baseless. I find it strange that people are able to do this, to try to anticipate another's thoughts when they have no idea who they are or what they believe - especially since my acquaintance with her was so fresh and short lived. I guess I came out of this the most frustrated with the idea of thinking that she thought I was looking down on her because of my religious bearing, and perhaps inferring that I was internally noting an inadequacy in her.

Is that what people see me for when they see a hijab? I sometimes even forget that I have a scarf on my head, it has become second nature to me, like putting on a shirt or a pair of socks. I don't want that to be my identity, 'the hijabi', that is only one component of my modesty which is simply yet another component that I try to embody in the expansive sea of my identity and being. But to make that the main indicator of identity or my sole personality, seems to be a true injustice. And even more, to suppose that a fellow Muslim would be the one to subject another to such an injustice! Alhumdulilah rabil alameen! May Allah (swt) guide us all.

The Influence of Association

It seems that flu season is in full swing – or at least I hear as much about the outside world from the confines of my sanctuary.

Strangely enough, each flu appears to be different, specially tailored to afflict its victim in a seemingly malicious manner. I hear about symptoms such as headache, fever, chills, sneezing, runny nose, nasal inflammation, blocked nose, dry cough, sore throat, sweating, body aches, muscle aches, limb pain, joint pain, loss of appetite, prostration, exhaustion, fatigue, weakness, and myalgia. A convalescent is rarely known to have a mix of all these blessed ingredients in their brimming stew of misery, but there is usually a special combination of a few of these things. Each flu is distinct. No two flu are exactly alike. And certainly with such an extensive list of symptoms, who does not qualify to claim a flu? Heck, with my myalgia I could be coming down with something right now.

Still, a flu can be passed on from one to another – even though the developing sickness proves to manifest in a very different manner from what was known to the initial benefactor. I am no doctor, of course (nor do I claim any other form of noteworthy profession) but it could be possible for the incurring flu to resemble similar qualities from the first flu, but it is still its own special self – its own unique snowflake shape. Even more interesting is factoring in the pain tolerance and perception of the sickling in question. A standard cough, if there is such a thing, if passed onto the next person may be received with tolerance and forbearance, or with indifference, or with misery and agony (just to name a few adjectives in an immeasurable list of possible descriptions).

How would you describe your experience?

Truly a person cannot expect another to understand their own bearing in its entirety, and humanity only struggles to see each others situation with their own subjective lens of cognition. How do you gauge a standard for misery, when the person claiming it may never have experienced misery at all - or at least what you understand misery to be.

We seemed to have both acquired the flu and are both miserable thanks to Samuel who is two cubicles down from me.

How convenient. How interesting. What is the point? Ok, I am getting to it now.

There are all kinds of contagious ailments, not just varying forms of influenza, and there are all kinds of parts to us that have the possibility of being afflicted. Gallbladder, spleen, patella, calcaneus, pyloric sphincter, tonsils, cerebellum… you get the idea. Of course any of these things could go wrong just by your own stupidity and decision to hang around asbestos, meaning you don’t even need to catch it from someone! But the point to this petition of warning is to directly address contagious ailments.

… and we are not just flesh and bone…

We have heart, mind, and soul - parts which are more often at risk of being affected than any other part of us and yet are dangerously ignored, to the degree that we are heedless of impurities in these systems. Even scarier, sometimes people realize there is something wrong and actively choose to disregard and reject a means of treatment.

It does take a lot of energy to comb out all these knots, maybe it’s just easier to leave them in. Dreds don’t look that bad anyways.

But wait until you have to shave it all off!

Scariest of all is when people have deluded themselves to a degree of contentment where they are utterly incapable of perceiving the presence of any discrepancy at all.

You might remember the last time that your body trembled from a fever or when you last shed a few tears, but when was the last time you felt your heart weep and quiver with pain?

How have we become like this?

It seems to me that the answer is simple: through neglect of the amanat and blessings that we have generously been given, disregarding our total health, and cheating ourselves of benefiting from understanding the potential capacity of our faculties. Taking all this into consideration, we could be passing on our impurities to others, whether we acquired them on our own, or through association. They don’t realize it, and we certainly don’t realize it - Atleast, until the damage is done.

Society could just be a pool filled with ailing individuals that are ready to contaminate you if you jump in. You might even bring in your own sickness and add to the festering mess.

Of course this would hardly ever be anyone’s intention. We do this heedlessly and carelessly, unknowingly and foolishly. We meet with our friends, we engage with our family, we interact with our colleagues, and how often do we think about how our actions may truly be affecting someone else? How often do we analyze a situation from another person’s perspective and decide to take an action that would be better suited for the person we are dealing with? How often do we confide in them but instead end up backbiting and introduce a disturbance in someone’s heart in terms of how they feel towards another person? How often do we joke and jester and fail to see that we would be humiliated and angry if someone did the same to us? How often do we flaunt our accomplishments and perceived victories in the faces of the less fortunate? How often do we disregard someone else’s needs just so we can fulfill our own?

And how often do we utterly fail to remember that our Beloved Rasulullah salalahu alayhi wa salam told us that -

“None of you will truly believe until you love for your brother what you love for yourself”
[Sahih Bukhari]

How many of us want to be around those that do not have good intentions and don’t care about how they are influencing our lives? I am sure none of us want that. Then how can we possibly allow ourselves to subject others to that?

My dearest brothers and sisters…

The reason for this entry is not just to share a few of my thoughts. Today I want to ask everyone to consider not only our relationship with Allah Aza Wa Jal but also our relations with one another. I want everyone to understand the serious responsibility that each one of us carries, and to realize that we cannot shy away from it due to ignorance or unawareness or even laziness. Every person that we encounter is part of our risq and should be treated as such. Every person that we come across is going through their own struggle; every person that we encounter has a mind and a discerning eye. Every person that we encounter has the ability to love you or hate you, the ability to teach you something or learn something from you. Each person you meet has a family, their own perception of existence, their own ability to comprehend, to feel pain, to enjoy life and see beauty around them or experience misery at every turn. Every person has been strategically placed in our path for a reason, whether we have the capacity to realize it at the time or not. And every person you meet has embarked on the same journey you have.

I hope that we use this realization to be more mindful of our state of health, not only for ourselves but also for other people. The people we care about. The people around us now, and those that we hope to be spending our akhira with, inshAllah.

Narrated Abu Musa: Allah's Apostle said, "The example of a good companion (who sits with you) in comparison with a bad one, is I like that of the musk seller and the blacksmith's bellows (or furnace); from the first you would either buy musk or enjoy its good smell while the bellows would either burn your clothes or your house, or you get a bad nasty smell thereof."
[Sahih Bukhari, Volume 3, Book 34, Number 314]

The influence of association is something that we should all be aware of. It can be a beneficial experience where we surround ourselves with those who are striving for the sake of Allah (swt) and remind us to do the same, or we can decide to stay around those that take us away from the Sunnah of Rasulullah salalahu alayhi wa salam and infect us with sicknesses. Let us make sure that we constantly and perpetually work on never being someone who has influenced another away from Allah (swt).

Narrated Abu Musa: The Prophet said, "A faithful believer to a faithful believer is like the bricks of a wall, enforcing each other." While (saying that) the Prophet clasped his hands, by interlacing his fingers. [Sahih Bukhari, Volume 1, Book 8, Number 468]

“A person is likely to follow the faith of his friend, so look whom you befriend.” [Abu Dawood and at-Tirmithi]

Let us be mindful that we have the ability to cultivate our circles of friendship and remove impurities from it. Let us help one another stay on Sirat al Mustaqeem.

The Day that the wrong-doer will bite at his hands, he will say, "Oh! would that I had taken a (straight) path with the Messenger! "Ah! woe is me! Would that I had never taken such a one for a friend! "He did lead me astray from the Message (of Allah) after it had come to me! Ah! the Evil One is but a traitor to man!"
[The Holy Qur’an, Surah Al-Furqan 25:27-29]