iyi bayramlar to me :)

so still in istanbul for eid Alhumdulilah :) got a cool present this morning... i had a dream about my daddy... i was walking around the driveway and backyard and got inside our house through the unlocked porch door... and found my dad inside the kitchen sitting and drinking tea... and i immediately grabbed him and started crying... so much so that i could feel the wetness on my face and i could feel his long white beard on my cheeks and even his beard got so wet from my tears... and then i started yelling and saying how he had disappeared for so long and i was looking for him everywhere and he cannot do that ever again... and he was laughing with a most handsome radiant smile and gave me so many kisses.  Alhumdulilah rabil alameen :) and you know, daddy died right after hajj... and it is exactly around that time now, so i think we really met in my dream :)

ya Allah, make this life easy until we can all be together with You and all that we Love.

baby girl

when you feel that there is nothing left to lose... there is everything left to gain, inshAllah.

keep his wave on swim wa waves on swim so they hate on him

For a long time now I have been thinking of not wearing hijab anymore.  I am not sure who to even talk to about this with.  It is a painful decision that I have been putting off as I do love it.  I love it.  But there are things about it that I want to disassociate with entirely.

I feel I am the same person with or without it.  Piety resides in the heart, not in what you are or are not wearing.  It disgusts me how muslim communities now a days see a beard or a scarf and automatically assume piety. Oh mashAllah they think! What a good person! What rubbish.  Even more rubbish is how much religious discourse revolves around these things. Has religion and spirituality come to this? Some watered down superficial symbolic rubbish.

I do not want to identify with communities like this.  I avoid them like the plague and I feel that by wearing a headscarf I get clumped in with them... or they enthusiastically claim me.  No thank you, no thank you, no thank you.  I have started avoiding muslim people in general as well.  Or people that are over zealously PROJECTING an image of superficial religiosity.

Religion is a personal journey that allows the creation to reach the Creator.  It is a beautiful and deeply personal relationship that has nothing to do with anyone else.

Hijab offers me many blessings and protections in society.  I do acknowledge that and I love how it prevents me from dealing with vices of conceit in many ways.  But at the end of the day, I want to enjoy what Allah has created me as.  Not for society, not to show off, not to inflate my own ego, but to appreciate a creation that Allah has created.

So what if I want to wear pretty dresses and style my hair.  Who cares if I want to go out and feel the blessings of the wind and sun.

I have also learned that those that are so quick to judge are EXACTLY the types whose judgement should not be cared for at all.  I am thinking when I come back to the states for grad school it would be the time to try things without it anymore.  Maybe I would decide to put it on again, who knows?

Please Allah always guide me.  Show me the way to please You and show me the way to Love.

my two cents

If you want to learn a few things about religion don't go looking for the 'religious people'.  Instead go looking for the firefly at night.  If you're a smart student, it may even show you what life is.

flowers

People love flowers so much... they want capture their beauty and keep it for themselves.  So they rip them from their roots and hold on to them tightly.  They strangle out life from flowers, which only end up dying after a few days.

Wouldn't it just be better to leave them unhindered. Watch them and admire them from a far. Let them breathe and be as they are. There would be so much more blossoming and growth and beauty if they were left alone to live through a natural course of existence.

yum

there is nothing like tasting the deliciousness of one's own soul... the recipe of which only God knows.

ı cannot ınhale aır anymore

Hafeez ıs gettıng marrıed thıs July ınshAllah. I am really happy for hım... but so ıncredıbly sad at the same tıme. My heart has become a shard. A fraıl scrap ıf ıt even exısts anymore. I cannot tell hım and raın on hıs parade so I wıll have to hold ıt together whıle I go to Pakıstan for 6 weeks to help wıth everythıng. I wıll use whatever I have left wıthın me to get through that tıme. When I get back to Istanbul I can break down. Fırst Daddy... then Shareef... and now Hafeez.

I know that a person ıs not tested more than they can bear. And that ıs why I belıeve I wıll not be lıvıng much longer. I am feelıng a breakdown wıthın myself. Emotıonally, mentally, physıcally. I am gettıng weaker every day. So I want to say goodbye to everyone ın case somethıng happens. I hope all souls wıll forgıve me for any actıons I dıd from a lımıted capacıty of understandıng.

I dıd my absolute best to serve and love wıth what I have. I learned sıncerıty and humılıty through thıs paın that I make shukr for. I make shukr for all the beauty and happıness that has been ın my exıstence. I pray Allah wıll forgıve me for everythıng I have taken for granted and stıll contınue to take for granted.

leaky roof

Thıs past week has been beyond words really. I am wrıtıng from an ınternet cafe rıght now. To leave out the worst of the detaıls there ıs a leaky roof ın the apartment (has worsened exponentıally over a serıes of raıny days) whıch ıs somethıng I am VERY grateful for Alhumdulılah rabıl alameen. Now I have been scramblıng around to fınd other lıvıng optıons. Earlıer I was concerned I would wınd up on the street. Oh well, wouldn't be the fırst tıme?

Thıs past week has been quıte mıserable. QUITE QUITE QUITE mıserable and I mıssed my fırst hat lesson. I refuse to feel sorry for myself ın any sense. Not whıle I have a healthy body, a workıng braın, and a means for doıng thıngs Alhumdulılah rabıl alameen.

I started thınkıng about how ıf an ınfant suffers a mınor fall or slıght bump of the head a smart parent may act unresponsıve to thıs ın terms of showıng concern and actıng lıke a lot of paın was suffered by the chıld.

The parent must act lıke thıs even though theır ınsıdes are probably torn apart and theır heart ıs grıevıng and they are fıghtıng the ımpulse to run to the chıld and pıck them up and kıss them. They are tryıng to be smart to condıtıon the chıld to be strong and to pıck themselves up and go on. Why condıtıon them to feel sorry for themselves and normalıze a certaın reactıon for them that ıs entırely socıetally based. I started thınkıng about how thıs applıes to me. Why the heck should I let myself feel sorry for myself or tell myself thıs ıs a bad thıng. No way no way no way. I wıll not condıtıon myself ın that way at all. Thıs ıs lıfe, pıck myself up, move on. Alhumdulılah rabıl alameen.

Lıfe ıs a serıes of events. Whether I vıew them as good or bad or neutral ıs up to me. There ıs a wısdom to everythıng beyond what I am capable of comprehendıng. I really learned that through the leaky roof (ıf not earlıer ın lıfe!). That has saved me from so many other problems Alhumdulılah rabıl alameen.

Gonna vısıt the dervısh book seller... eat a kumpır... and go to the mesk now Alhumdulılah.

Simdi Uskudar'da Dairem Var :)

So a lot has happened since I last wrote. Actually I was blocked for awhile from accessing my own blog. How strange? Not sure what was going on... whether it was Turkey limiting my internet access but I don't think I am posting anything illegal... :)

So Alhumdulilah rabil alameen... I have passed the mufredaat stage of sulus and have now started the murekebaat stage of sulus. I have also started a bit of nesih. Man, nesih is TERRIBLY hard. I cannot believe how insanely difficult it is, and with all sincerity if someone can learn this, they REALLY deserve an ijaza. InshAllah I will be among the chosen ones ;) ;) ;) LOL.

In other news, I just finished my Dilmer Turkish class, and now I have a basic understanding of Turkish language.. I am so glad I signed up as I can now navigate my way around and make small talk with folks. I can also understand snippets of general conversation and laugh at jokes in class.

I found how much I had really learned after apartment searching recently. All of the realtors I met know NO english, so I basically had to find apartments, bargain, buy furniture, appliances, get wireless set up, all kinds of stuff using the minuscule Turkish I know. sigh. Absolute craziness... but I did carry a pocket dictionary to help somewhat. I think I will wait a few months before signing up for the next class inshAllah... Tabii, Turkce kurs cok lazim cunku simdi Turkiye'de oturuyorum. hahahahaha, ok let me stop showing off. astagfirullah adheem.

Okay so... I also decided to scrap grad school for now if they won't grant me a 2 year deferral. Alhumdulilah I got into the dual degree masters program at University of Michigan for public health and social work. Initially I was granted a one year deferral, but that is not enough time here.. so I decided I will stay in Istanbul for 2 more years and coincidently the internet package I signed up for is a 2 year agreement, so I guess that makes it official... hahahahaah.

I ended up finding a nice new apartment in Uskudar that is quite close to the iskele area. It is a brand new building so everything is fresh and clean. A small place, but I really fell inlove with the balcony attached to the kitchen. I cannot wait to throw papers all over the place and plaster calligraphy samples everywhere... I will be mixing inks and trying to make ahar papers to my heart's content. Yasasin!

Also, I must say that I have grown to admire and respect my calligraphy master so much. He is quite gentle, funny, and intelligent mashAllah. I hope I can learn to embody these good qualities from him. He is definitely a treasure of a human being. May Allah bless him and his family with every happiness.

Okay so that is all the updates for now from Istanbul. Over and out!

Hat is hard

I realized there is nothing wrong with me. I was born an artist. I feel deeply and I act with care and intricacy. I am understood by few, maybe by no one, but I don't care. It is more important to be inline with the Truth I have embraced and loyal to the Beauty greater than myself.

Hat is teaching me so much about myself. There is an objectivity in it... and I go through ups and downs with it... which are inclinations coming from me.

Today I am struggling with it. I am unhappy and discouraged and turned off. Frustrated! It is coming from me. My last mesk got a bunch of aferins but I am still lacking confidence and feel dissatisfied. This is me, because I am so critical of each minute step that I am unable to see how I am climbing a spiraling staircase.

Hat is the hardest thing I have studied. Harder than physics.