balak corbasi

so today... im making some fish soup. yum. it's rainy and what not outside... so im fine with staying in and working today... don't feel like trucking to isam... will probably go tomorrow. and gotta convert a bunch of files to print out as well.

one month is up since i have returned. that means approximately around 5 more months left. im seriously killing myself with whatever i have been doing these last few years. we think traveling is fun and exciting... and yes, i mean, it is. but like... it has killed me emotionally and physically. and i have no strength to speak anything other than english these days. like NONE whatsoever. america. i welcome you baby, with opened arms.

so... i always do these weird things in my head to mark progress. i got a bottle of solgar vitamins with 60 pills in it. not sure why solgar is so big here in all the eczaneler... but i told myself, by the time you finish this bottle girl, you will get your ijaza inshAllah. im such a nut. inshAllah i will get it by then. forget my july goal... i wanna learn some taliq script while im here too. i think my sulus is in good shape.. just seriously gotta get the nesih in order. it is insanely intricate. like... it has become the bane of my existence.. because there are such tiny details and flicks of the pen and curvatures... i think i need to get a magnifying glass... and seriously.. the way the ink carries with the java qalam. the paper.. it all effects the writing and the quality. too much water... not enough gum arabic.. the ink will not be suitable for writing nesih... and then the paper could be a thick kuse which is not suitable for the script... so it is better to work from an ince kuse i think. but then the paper could absorb the ink weirdly. im driving myself crazy here. but i think i REALLY need to go into over drive with the nesih.

yesterday's corrections... made me so sad. like the assignments got TORE UP. i even cried after maghrib. i mean, aferins don't make me happy either... haaaaaaaaaahahahaha. im really a nut. ya Allah. i think i have become my greatest competitor. there is a south african student here whose nesih i admire.. that say they are making dua for my ijaza inshAllah, very kind. they also offer encouraging words but they also said that no matter what they say i will not believe their words... and i guess that is true. i only believe what is in my own mind - egoist. and there is a chinese student here... who is submitting an ircica competition piece, i think today is the deadline for submissions... and they worked on drafts for months. they don't even know arabic. and last mintute ink smudged on the piece. they called hocam up in the middle of the night in a panic  and today... when they were showing what happened they started crying. and i was like. man, we are really putting our heart and soul into our work. this is not just hat. this is like.. pieces of us that go into our efforts. no wonder i feel exhausted after working all day.

sigh yeah. okay so also i have been noticing... that i have a dull constant heart pain that just remains. and sometimes it intensifies. and i don't think it is a physical ailment... but something emotional... really whatever i am doing to myself through this lone ranger lifestyle is killing me. HAHAHAHAHAHA. this is so unnatural. ya Allah... and now my roomies are going to the istanbul modern for some documentary. what on EARTH. and i cannot go cause of corrections tomorrow. you know what. whatever. aisha. you can do this. inshAllah you will get that ijaza by the time those solgars finish. YES.

oh... but side note... istanbul modern had an exhibit not too long ago with cadavers that were dressed and posing in live action poses. creepy huh? real life dead bodies galore. i didn't go to the exhibit regretfully and only heard about it. but i plan on checking the place out when time permits. i really think ill go out more when the weather gets nice. hahahahaha... now roomie doesn't wanna go out cause its cold and possibly raining. oh LORD. gotta love those commutes to the european side :)

man, and now zeliha is offering to bring me burger king chicken nuggets to cheer me up. ya Allah, what an angelllllllllllll. but i cannot turn into a lard roll with bikini season around the corner. oh yeahhh man.

okay... time to do asr... chomp on this balak corbasi... and get back to the nesih. pray for my soul. thanks yall.