another eid has passed. and im sitting here filling out an excel spreadsheet mapping out finances. all i need now is a bowl of raisin bran, chronic back pain, and a mini-van. oh wait, i already have those things. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. oh the joys of growing aged. presumably you can do whatever you want. but really you can't. shackle me down shackle me down shackle me down.
okay so... i thought i would write about some grumps and vents and frustrations. firstly, im starting gradschool. and all that it entails. loans. moving. new people. assignments. group projects. blah blah blah. and since im in a cranky and pessimistic mood im like yuck leave me alone. i dont want loans or new people or more work. leave me alone.
and this is also my bros' last year of fellowship. meaning they will be starting up real jobs after june. and i don't think they are interested in staying on in michigan at all. and im like wait hold up. im being left in michigan?! seriously. being here alone for 2-3 years is like what on earth. i mean i don't have any friends up here... don't know anyone and i only applied to grad school up here to be close to them... but it turned out that the program is excellent and exactly what i was looking for Alhumdulilah. i guess i should be making shukr, right?
they tell me that no matter where they are i can come whenever i want and just get a plane ticket, but honestly it is hard being alone at this point and i have no desire for it whatsoever. im not made for that kind of lifestyle. i have to be honest with myself. and then... i also think if i were to die any second... i would rather spend my life with those i love... not in anticipation of love or wanting to be with those i love.. or thinking oh yes in a few years ill be with those i love. no, that is not how i want to spend my life. so at the end of the day it is not the school or the program or prestige or anything like that, that matters for me. i don't want to spend my life like that... and keep putting things off that are at the crux of what i value in existence. i want to be WITH what and who i love. i think my family thinks im some kind of superman, and im not. im really not. im at the end of my rope. Allah help me. please and THANK YOU.
you know... i really do not think this is life. it's like getting by but not LIVING. a person is just working or making money or studying, but not LIVING actively. they are just occupying themselves without meaning or true fulfillment. it is the most depleting thing ever. i mean why do this work at all? what is it for? why wake up every morning to just scrape by? im trying to make sense of this... like what is this false sense of striving for?
like im seriously making dua for whatever nourishment i need to be sent to me. cause i don't even know what that is.
Friday, August 9, 2013
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