balak corbasi

so today... im making some fish soup. yum. it's rainy and what not outside... so im fine with staying in and working today... don't feel like trucking to isam... will probably go tomorrow. and gotta convert a bunch of files to print out as well.

one month is up since i have returned. that means approximately around 5 more months left. im seriously killing myself with whatever i have been doing these last few years. we think traveling is fun and exciting... and yes, i mean, it is. but like... it has killed me emotionally and physically. and i have no strength to speak anything other than english these days. like NONE whatsoever. america. i welcome you baby, with opened arms.

so... i always do these weird things in my head to mark progress. i got a bottle of solgar vitamins with 60 pills in it. not sure why solgar is so big here in all the eczaneler... but i told myself, by the time you finish this bottle girl, you will get your ijaza inshAllah. im such a nut. inshAllah i will get it by then. forget my july goal... i wanna learn some taliq script while im here too. i think my sulus is in good shape.. just seriously gotta get the nesih in order. it is insanely intricate. like... it has become the bane of my existence.. because there are such tiny details and flicks of the pen and curvatures... i think i need to get a magnifying glass... and seriously.. the way the ink carries with the java qalam. the paper.. it all effects the writing and the quality. too much water... not enough gum arabic.. the ink will not be suitable for writing nesih... and then the paper could be a thick kuse which is not suitable for the script... so it is better to work from an ince kuse i think. but then the paper could absorb the ink weirdly. im driving myself crazy here. but i think i REALLY need to go into over drive with the nesih.

yesterday's corrections... made me so sad. like the assignments got TORE UP. i even cried after maghrib. i mean, aferins don't make me happy either... haaaaaaaaaahahahaha. im really a nut. ya Allah. i think i have become my greatest competitor. there is a south african student here whose nesih i admire.. that say they are making dua for my ijaza inshAllah, very kind. they also offer encouraging words but they also said that no matter what they say i will not believe their words... and i guess that is true. i only believe what is in my own mind - egoist. and there is a chinese student here... who is submitting an ircica competition piece, i think today is the deadline for submissions... and they worked on drafts for months. they don't even know arabic. and last mintute ink smudged on the piece. they called hocam up in the middle of the night in a panic  and today... when they were showing what happened they started crying. and i was like. man, we are really putting our heart and soul into our work. this is not just hat. this is like.. pieces of us that go into our efforts. no wonder i feel exhausted after working all day.

sigh yeah. okay so also i have been noticing... that i have a dull constant heart pain that just remains. and sometimes it intensifies. and i don't think it is a physical ailment... but something emotional... really whatever i am doing to myself through this lone ranger lifestyle is killing me. HAHAHAHAHAHA. this is so unnatural. ya Allah... and now my roomies are going to the istanbul modern for some documentary. what on EARTH. and i cannot go cause of corrections tomorrow. you know what. whatever. aisha. you can do this. inshAllah you will get that ijaza by the time those solgars finish. YES.

oh... but side note... istanbul modern had an exhibit not too long ago with cadavers that were dressed and posing in live action poses. creepy huh? real life dead bodies galore. i didn't go to the exhibit regretfully and only heard about it. but i plan on checking the place out when time permits. i really think ill go out more when the weather gets nice. hahahahaha... now roomie doesn't wanna go out cause its cold and possibly raining. oh LORD. gotta love those commutes to the european side :)

man, and now zeliha is offering to bring me burger king chicken nuggets to cheer me up. ya Allah, what an angelllllllllllll. but i cannot turn into a lard roll with bikini season around the corner. oh yeahhh man.

okay... time to do asr... chomp on this balak corbasi... and get back to the nesih. pray for my soul. thanks yall.

i can't help myself. sugar pie honey bun.

you know. up until now. i always thought other people were the ones who were leaving me. but now i think i am the one leaving them.

you make me wanna be the one

i want to say that i adore spray paint. i should become a graffiti artist. last year i started trying to make my own tag. and then i was going to plaster it all over the walls on the staircase leading to the harem iskele in cicekci. but then fatima left for australia and she was supposed to be the look out for the zabita. so yeah. now i cannot take my chances :)

spray paint also smells really good. 

oh my gosh, also i realized what helps me to de-stress! i have tried everything literally. meditation, yoga, working out, singing, dancing, blah blah blah. right. and i realized SOCIALIZING and LAUGHING like a fool is the only thing that works at this point. so when i put myself in brooding artist mode and grumble and fester away... this COULD help my art and progress.... but ultimately, no. 

man, it is almost the end of february... and other roomie from neatherlands, zeliha... comes back today inshAllah... but yeah... end of february.. leaving again beginning of august, ya Allah... so i HAVE to work away... i know the time is going to melt away. and i need to make a list of all the places i have been meaning to visit in istanbul that i have been putting off shamelessly after 2.5 years of being here... like aya sophia and topkapi palace... HAHAHAHAHAH. and then of course sakip sabanci muzesi and the istanbul modern... gotta go there... and suleymania and shakireen cami. and YES! KONYA! when things warm up inshAllah... im gonna make salaha go with me for a few days. yes... that is most important :) and i musttttt totally take advantage of the beaches and proximity to water here. those are the best. and then they have womens' beaches here so i can wear bikinis and lay out in the sun like a lush and tan my otherwise pale and pasty skin to a nice shade of butter cream frosting ;) oh istanbul. you are too good to me, baby. Alhumdulilah rabil alameen :)

but you know... i love eyup so much. i could go there every single day. and i am so happy i will get to spend ramadan here inshAllah. so i can go for taraweeh and such there... and then taraweeh at the blue mosque! yes! 

okay, im gonna calm myself down... drink some tea... munch of some peanuts... and get cracking on assignments. MAKE DUA FOR MY IJAZA EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and you know i have to include some kind of shout out to chotu aka phuppo ka dil in this post:

I LOVE YOU MY BEAUTIFUL ASIYAH BABY LOVE SQUISHOO. I AM SHOUTING THIS FROM THE HIGHEST MOUNTAIN TOPS UNTIL MY VOICE LEAVES ME!!!!!!!!!!!

thank you

Love. The reason I dislike that word is that it means too much for me, far more than you can understand.

-Tolstoy

i never picked you.

so i decided it might be good to blog a bit more these days. kinda vocalize what im thinking. i started thinking that i do not want to be a sufi. and that you know, i just do not want to be one. but then i think, it is not really something i ever picked. it just found me. but i still do not want to be one. and i never would even call myself one.

i am starting to see things a bit differently. sufism in general a bit differently. atleast my limited understanding of such a lifestyle. and believe me, im the first to admit my exorbitant ignorance at every level. i have met many people who ascribe to such a lifestyle, and in many ways i see it as a reactionary response - a means to dealing or coping with difficulties and challenges... to renounce worldly things. to eliminate the ego and the self, etc etc... all that good stuff (and believe me, this is definitely SOMETHING to experience... in whatever way you are taken on that road... to experience that is something. ya Allah)

okay but what i mean by sufism being a reactionary response... and people adopting such a lifestyle... it is like a person could have dealt with something utterly shattering in their life... the loss of a loved one, witnessing something miraculous, a near death experience, extreme degradation, a hard lifestyle, losing all of ones material security, being attacked, being abused, becoming suicidal, divorce, a break-up, getting fired, etc etc. and then as a means of coping a person chooses to elevate themselves beyond these things which they have linked to 'worldly associations' - duniya. and by transcending attachment to these things.. and learning to live without them, they are perhaps convincing themselves that they are partaking in sufism. how is this then not a reactionary response? okay, but like.. i know you are going to say that so what if it comes as a reactionary response, it is still sufism. honestly, i don't know where this post is going.. or really what im trying to say as i have not developed my own thoughts further.

but i think what im trying to say is that... sufism seems to be a coping mechanism for such challenges. it is not like, a solution. everyone seems to have coping mechanisms... ways to comfort the self and deal with issues of the self. some people drink and do drugs... or gamble... or sleep... or EAT... or shop. you get the point.

in sufism however.. there is a sense of detachment... and like im not sure how to say it... indifference? a kinda floating around. a disengagement. it is a numbing of the SELF. atleast this is what i think. it is making the self a non active participant in one's life almost. and a life is a life given to a person from their Creator. and by such detachment in a way... it is not appreciating the blessing of that life and living it to the fullest. to even sin and feel the pain of that and the sweetness of repetence... that emotion can be numbed. or to sin or even enjoy it. or to do something cool and enjoy it... that would be numbed in every sense. or to LOVE or to DANCE or to CRY... all of that can be numbed and it becomes surreal almost. i am not sure how to describe it. it is like a non emotion, where an emotion or thing should be felt and would be for an active participant in one's own life.

im thinking it is important to embrace the HUMANITY in one's own being. good, bad, hurtful, yucky, marvelous, funny, embarassing, awkward, graceful. it is important to be TRUE to one's self. no matter what. not live in a sense of denial of what a person needs and wants. it is important to be upfront, straight forward, and honest, ESPECIALLY WITH THE SELF. yeah, and i think i will end this post.

and rumi, you will forever be my main man, many shout outs to you:

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

plan B

i don't wanna work anymore. i just wanna lay in a hammock all day and eat icecream for the rest of my life. who needs a roth ira when you can get this bad boy: