cesur.

so been mia recently after saying i would write more frequently. i actually have some cool news Alhumdulilah. i have been granted ijaza :) feels kinda surreal.. and like... nothing has changed at the same time too. hocam's hoca approved it kinda beginning of last month.. so i was preparing my piece for the end of april ceremony. working on the piece has been stressful. it wasn't what i imagined at all. i thought it would be less stressful after the fact, but it was not the case at all and every time i wrote, the quality was not what i expected. i wrote probably a total of 12-15 drafts and hocam and hasan hoca ended up picking a draft from earlier on. im just glad Alhumdulilah that it is done... now is kinda relaxing cause i can work on a hilye i serif at my pace and start some celi diwani and taliq script. yesssssss Alhumdulilah. the time pressure is no longer there and i know i have accomplished what i needed to while here Alhumdulilah and i make shukr there is time to learn more! oh yes Alhumdulilah.

i so wish my dad could come for my ijaza ceremony... it brings me to tears.. no one in my family will be there. and i think how happy my dad would be to be there.... i make the niyat that whatever i write, all of that hasanaath goes to my dad inshAllah.

i seriously have killed myself during this entire process. like i dont know exactly what i have done to my mind, my heart, my soul. i think i have solidified some kind of life long displacement or unhinging within myself by partaking in this entire process. but i think i learned so much about my essence at the same time. i got through layers of the self and recognized such vulnerabilities and pain and insecurities within myself. i really felt the humanity in myself. and i still do taste it all the time. i think calligraphy has been a way for me to understand so much about myself. i think it will continue to work in that way.

i look forward to whatever the future holds for me inshAllah. may Allah be gentle and generous and merciful and forgiving and loving and protecting with me always. Allah, I love you.