the way to be foxy is to NOT look like a teddy bear.

alright then. i have been putting off writing this post. i am back in istanbul (got here 2 days ago). only this time is different. i am not thrilled. i can't say i really even want to be here. i just came back from michigan and it was the MOST heart wrenching thing to leave chotu. like indescribable pain. i realized i MUST block her out if i am going to accomplish anything here. that is really the only way. this trip is going to be a long haul im thinking - until august - before grad school fall 2013 starts up inshAllah.

so i stayed in the states quite a LONG time. i learned so much while back there, saw so many things that i needed to see, experienced quite a bit that 'solidified' a lot of things for me. but i dreaded coming back here, i am not sure why. it is really difficult being a foreign student here. it is really isolating because i am not part of a structured program of study. it is kinda do it yourself, find your own way, work at your own pace. then there are substantial language barriers (but Alhumdulilah my turkish held up SUPER well during my 8 month stay in the states... i was surprised how much i retained... i guess survival mode kicks in?) and then i mean, to be quite frank it is hard being a young lady alone in a foreign country. it is down right hard. you have to be extra careful. for the most part i can blend in with the turks, but the second i open my mouth it is like obvious im a foreigner - particularly an american. and then all the charms associated with that come along - people suddenly taking a pronounced interest in you... and you are like errr... no thanks, leave me alone. so for the most part i try to keep to myself for that very reason.

i do enjoy my studies so much. i think in many ways it keeps me sane and then delving too much into it makes me crazy so i have to remember to take breaks and breathe. obsession is dangerous :) extremes are dangerous :) i am dangerous, baby :) HAHAHAHAHAH.

okay but yeah. i am also quite social, right? so to be isolated and restricted and guarded in a sense... is like against my very nature. it is quite draining and depleting. but it has to be this way for NOW. i have managed to make some cool friends through the yurt i used to live in. hoot hoot for salacak pansiyonu in the blessed cicekci (where i had an awesome view of the golden horn and would eat my breakfast in ecstasy . and then go on the terrace to do dhikr every night and stare on at europe while sitting in asia). and then i made a super awesome friend through the dilmer course i took way back... im realizing she particularly was a gift at the perfect time in my life. a precious gift Alhumdulilah. so i guess it is enough to keep me sane but not too social.  yeah but now... i live in an awesome place called kuzguncuk. awesome apartment with a fancy shmancy shower. right now the two other girls i live with aren't here because of winter break but they should be back soon inshAllah. im sorta enjoying my down time and having the place to myself. i should blast some music and shamelessly hop around while i have the chance, right? get some afyon up in here, son! hahahahaahahah THANK GOD most of yall don't understand turkish.

okay so yeah, enough shenanigans... got my first set of corrections in uskudar tomorrow since i been back and gotta get assignments into shape. im thinking 2 lines of sulus and maybe a surah in nesih will be a good start. let's keep making dua for my ijaza inshAllah. i have until august. Bismillah. Allah help me.

over and out.

common sense for the gazillionth time. jesus.

and now i am off to kinkos to intrusively spy on whatever everyone else is copying and faxing.