when the chest cannot contain another drop of grief

I am beginning to rediscover the importance of a routine in one's life. Before I always viewed it as something mundane - the same old kinda undesirable thing all the time - and would therefore flee from it. Not having a routine for awhile has made me view it differently.

There is a stability or grounding in such a thing. There are comforts in the familiar and a person can feel a sense of progression through that. Alhumdulilah.

I have also realized a few other things about myself...

I have formulated a strange habit where I spend everyday with an underlying nervousness thinking that the next moment I could be dead or something horrendous could happen to 'disrupt' everything. This is generally true. But really it is unrealistic and unhealthy to think in such a way. Instead this mentality subjects me to all kinds of random possibilities to worry about - that are not my worries to worry about and may never be. I am burdening myself with all this junk and carry it around wherever I go instead of maintaining a light hearted skip in my step. I really must stop doing that. I have to just breathe and set that ridiculous package down somewhere and forget where I left it.

I also realized that for awhile I have been starving myself of love. I guess this came from feeling betrayal, disappointment, and hurt from many of the close relationships I had formulated. In in an effort to not feel pain again at the hands of selfish others, I decided to just move on from them and encase myself in a self sufficient bubble. This is not working. Although I am trucking along there has to be an exchange and intake from the outside world and I have to learn to have a filter to allow healthier things within my heart. I have become far too critical and hard on myself in an effort to not be like the unsavory others in my life. That is fine and dandy, but I need to realize that I am not perfect and chances are I will hurt someone and never realize what I have done. This is natural. This is normal. This is life. They will forgive me, I will forgive them, we will keep going inshAllah.

Allah, I ask for Your help throughout all of this. I thank You for every blessing You are giving me. I know You are being so gentle and patient with me.