Sweet and Sour Discrimination

I am not one to victimize myself because I choose to observe hijab. That kind of mentality disgusts me even, and I have realized that the more a person conditions themselves to think that society is responding to them in a certain manner because of it, the more they start to believe it and act with that understanding even though it is an entirely false mentality, most of the time. I also think that perhaps the subject of hijab has become a redundantly discussed topic - a dead horse that is continuously beaten. Yet the reality is that a lot of Muslim women have their own unique experience with it. They have their stories of liberation, discrimination, spirituality, objectification, fashion evolution, etc.

I don't think anything I have to say on the subject would be new, or even a compelling story to write or read... so I am going to get to the point of today's entry - I think I genuinely experience discrimination, on a regular basis. I think this is funny, strange, and bewildering. I don't even want to acknowledge it for what it is, and have denied it for a long time, but its still there, honestly.

I am not complaining, by any means. Discrimination exists in almost every crevice of society and rarely will you encounter someone who can claim they have never experienced it in someway. I think its important what you do when you face the supposed discrimination, meaning, you have the ability to transform what you have just been exposed to - whether you even allow it to be discrimination per say. I am not saying that another person's action of making a decision against you will not happen, but I am saying you can change how you choose to internalize their action, and how you let it effect you. For example if someone 'discriminates' against you, whatever the situation may be... you could view it as actually saving you from having to be around something inappropriate for you and in actuality doing you the favor of pointing out the inadequacy or unsuitability of the environment you would be entering. Voila! Discrimination has miraculously transformed into liberation. One man's trash is another man's treasure, playa.

hahaahahah, ok ok ok... maybe that is entirely too optimistic and idealistic, but I don't care!
Let me marinate in this deluded perception of reality :)

Okay also, before I commence with my supposed instance of 'discrimination' which I am not even sure it was, because I could talk myself out of believing it, and even feel shameful for thinking so poorly of a person... I want to say that while I am involved in the moment, engaging in that instant, I rarely respond adequately at that time, and even fail to realize what exactly is going on. Later, maybe at the end of the day I reflect and think about what exactly happened and how I could have better responded to that situation. I realize this is an intellectually lethargic response, but I am comfortable with interaction based on this, since I know actively subscribing to such methods prevents me from acting with rash impulsive behavior, sometimes.

Also, I want to state that generally I interview horribly (I am now shifting the topic to job interviews and progressing in this arduous and odiously drawn out posting!) If I could describe myself and read my thoughts from the third person, I would probably describe what I see as something like -

She walks in timid, uncertain, reserved, a slight facial twitch might even be noticeable... She perceives that the position she is interviewing for is competitive and believes that several others, (if not everybody) are significantly more qualified than her. She seems vaguely familiar with the idea of what the employer calls 'selling yourself or talking yourself up for the job' but is exceedingly poorly versed in such an art and adamantly escapes from pressures inclining her towards resume embellishment. What a silly child, with nodular acne and a meek lisp - who turns pink when stumbling on a question she isn't quite sure how to answer, gradually becoming overwhelmed by a more robust red that permeates her complexion as each second passes - realizing just how long she is taking to formulate an appropriate response.

That was all too illustrative of a description, even for me. But yeah, now you can all imagine what its like to accompany me into an interview. No wonder I have yet to secure employment! Alhumdulilah rabil alameen! So yeah, that said, let me tell you about one specific interview I had.

I did not want to go in when the call came for the interview. I decided I was giving up actively seeking a serious job until I would get back from Pakistan this summer. I told the lady who called - Kay, that I was not looking for a position and that I would be leaving the country in a couple months for an extended period of time. She assured me that it would be more than okay and that I should still come in for the interview. I relented and continued with the phone interview even though I knew it was not a good idea at all. She asked me to come in the morning on the following day and I told her ok. (Okay to Kay, hahaha...!)

I showed up the next day, bright and early in my prim black suit and interview shoes (with their nifty silver buckles), making sure to turn off my cellphone. Taking a deep breath I walked into the office building and saw that the waiting room was already filled with a myriad of professionally dressed individuals holding folders and filling out paperwork. All eyes instantly turned on me as I walked in, not because of the rarity of seeing a 12 year old looking hijabi in an office building, but because I was the newcomer, joining the mass of unemployed competitors.

I greeted the front desk receptionist as jovially as an overly pronounced self consciousness would allow, received paperwork that needed to be filled out, and grabbed the seat that was closest to me. As I sat there waiting and observing, people began to be greeted one by one from different interviewers and taken away from the waiting area. I knew my time was coming, and I anxiously anticipated my inevitable meeting with the mysterious Kay, who had an exquisite European accent that I remembered from our phone conversation. As women walked by, I imagined which of them was Kay - whether she was elderly or youthful, whether she would be a brunette or a blond (you know the stereotypical visual imagery constructs were going through my head). Moments later, a tall and attractive brunette with long wisps of wavy hair, probably early thirties or late twenties, wearing a stylish skirt business suit, and cowboy boots enthusiastically greeted me and seemed to soak me in during what appeared to be a lengthy examination tailored to measure my aesthetic value. Hilarious! I was amused and set at ease even amidst my habitual trepidation.

I let Kay lead me to her office, liberated from my regular feelings of hesitation, knowing that I did not really need to stress the importance of this interview, since this job was something that I was not particularly interested in. This indifference gave me a sort of confidence, I could be as expressive and natural as I chose, why be bothered by consciously constructed reserve or be burdened by nervous inadequacy? I was prepared to perform well in this interview, just for kicks at the very least.

I did not realize the particular peculiarity of it at the time, but she never shook my hand or even made a physical extension of greeting. But then again, neither did I, and immediately this fleeting thought was marked as the first slip up on the mentally constructed piece of paper that I was using to jot down all the points where I thought I performed poorly during the interview.

I am not entirely sure how long a good interview or a successful interview is supposed to take. The only law firm that hired me for part time work while I was still in undergrad gave me an interview that lasted about 15 minutes and I got the job on the spot, so I guess I didn't realize that a fruitful interview could last approximately 30 minutes until after Naila and Massouda enlightened me. This particular interview, I can say took about 12 minutes, which was much less time than it even took me to drive to the office building from my house.

I will cut through the dialogue of the interview, but I will get to the part where I noticed a sour turn for the worst, if I did not first acknowledge it from the very beginning. Kay seemed to focus on one aspect of my entire resume - a resume filled with varying experiences written in size 10 font. The area that she constantly asked me about was related to my affiliation with work involving an Islamic organization. Several questions came, all directed to that one experience! I answered all her interrogations patiently then tried to sway the conversation and state my qualifications based on other experiences and somewhat speak of multifaceted levels of involvement and interest, but she did not seem to care and my attempts failed miserably. I contained my frustration, only because I did not realize what was happening entirely at the time, later I acknowledged it for what it was and welcomed the well justified emotion. Towards the end of the speedy jack rabbit interview, Kay walked me out, and again made no movement towards shaking my hand, so I not wanting to make another blunder, eagerly extended my own. She met it with her own unprofessional floppy half grasp (If I am even permitted such an understatement), since she was holding onto a pen, and her facial expression plainly showed that she was most distastefully humoring my gesture. Her last comments, as I tried looking at her warmly and appreciatively were, "I am also Islamic, but I don't wear the head thing". I met this comment as politely and diplomatically as possible by saying "Oh! I have a lot of friends that don't either." I smiled and retreated happily, knowing the interview went horribly, but acknowledging it was not on my accord.

Things like this, confuse me... for a number of reasons... I wonder if I responded properly to all of this. Would it have been better for me to more directly approach the situation and blatantly say that I felt the interview was unprofessional while it was going on? Perhaps, I should have done that, since acquiring the job did not matter, and it would have been more beneficial for Kay to understand what I was being subjected to. Maybe it was best to use the approach that I did, since I am certain that my actions did not contribute to the formation of an unfavorable opinion, even though one preexisted.

Also, I noticed that Kay did something weird. She started to judge me and actively chose to do so. In this judgment she deduced that my personality was a judging one, a personality that in turn was judging her. So she in her mind, decided to meet me with my own perception of her. To combat my closed mindedness and condemning mentality regarding her, which was undoubtedly entirely false and baseless. I find it strange that people are able to do this, to try to anticipate another's thoughts when they have no idea who they are or what they believe - especially since my acquaintance with her was so fresh and short lived. I guess I came out of this the most frustrated with the idea of thinking that she thought I was looking down on her because of my religious bearing, and perhaps inferring that I was internally noting an inadequacy in her.

Is that what people see me for when they see a hijab? I sometimes even forget that I have a scarf on my head, it has become second nature to me, like putting on a shirt or a pair of socks. I don't want that to be my identity, 'the hijabi', that is only one component of my modesty which is simply yet another component that I try to embody in the expansive sea of my identity and being. But to make that the main indicator of identity or my sole personality, seems to be a true injustice. And even more, to suppose that a fellow Muslim would be the one to subject another to such an injustice! Alhumdulilah rabil alameen! May Allah (swt) guide us all.